The Walls of the City

The Great Game

2011-10-10T07:04:00.000-07:00

Language is generous when it comes to tasks of the heart. Other organs have just one term for their functions. The kidney filters, the lung oxygenates and the stomach digests. But the hopeless romanticism of man has provided the heart with an endless litany of possibilities. And so a heart can gallop. A heart can beat, hammer, pump, drum, melt or sink. Or break. A heart can be burned out of someone. And that’s worse than death, that’s worse than boredom, that’s worse than sleep.

I must confess

2011-09-03T21:31:00.000-07:00

my heart's in broken pieces and my head's a mess.

Subdued Music and Secluded Couches

2011-08-06T09:12:00.000-07:00

In spite of the heat you and I sit pressed close, side by side, arms to wrists to hips to knees. I'm curled with my head on your shoulder, comfortable enough to get sleepy but happy enough to want to stay awake. You do something that surprises me. You plant a light kiss on my head before leaning to rest your head against mine. Maybe you think I have fallen asleep? Maybe I have, after all. We stay that way for a minute, maybe two. It's a small gesture, but one that speaks volumes. Later, when the music is louder and the lights brighter, I'll wonder if it really happened at all.

Hitch

2011-07-08T10:39:00.000-07:00

You pull your cell phone out of your pocket
and your shirt rises slightly with the motion of your hand.
One glimpse of smooth skin and you have me reeling again.

2011-05-14T11:30:00.000-07:00

I am not satisfied with the way this has turned out. I am not at peace with the idea that you will stride away from me, from all of us girls, our boyfriends, parents, best friends, sisters and brothers completely unscathed. The fact that you say you're improving doesn't change what you did, and you still deserve comeuppance. Those who put their trust in you should understand what kind of person they have been believing in.
I have not taken this all as gracefully as the other girls, perhaps because I have not had as much time to sweep it under my psychological rug as they have. Perhaps because your betrayal of me was physical, rather than just emotional. Maybe they're just better, more forgiving women than I am. But at the end of the day, half of this little town knows what kind of awful person you are and still no one is brave enough to stand next to me when I propose outing you to the public. And that is a sad and terrible truth. It crushes me that you've silenced the voices of some of the most wonderful young women I know. You don't deserve the good things in your life. The credit, the accolades, the affection. Besides that, I honestly feel like not saying anything at this point is cowardly and would be letting down everyone who has helped to sculpt me into who I am, not to mention putting other girls in danger of being in my exact position. WHEN SOMEONE IN A POSITION OF AUTHORITY IS BLATANTLY TAKING ADVANTAGE OF AND HURTING THE PEOPLE WHO TRUST HIM, HE SHOULD BE STOPPED. Shouldn't he? Doesn't anyone agree with me?

"To sin by silence when they should protest makes cowards out of men."
-Abraham Lincoln

Pavement

2011-04-18T12:42:00.000-07:00

I am made of blue sky and hard rock and I will live this way forever.

I may be on a downer, I'm still ready to dream

2011-04-05T07:51:00.000-07:00

The smell of your shampoo hangs

heavily on the steam filling the room

for a while after you've gotten out of the shower.

And I'm overcome by the knowledge that I'll

never

/not/be/in/love\with\you\

You took a white orchid, turned it blue

2011-03-23T23:05:00.000-07:00

Green skies/Brown eyes
Funnel clouds/My thoughts are so
damn
Loud.
Mentor/Protector
Undercover/Lover

You trusted me so easily when you asked me not to ruin your life.
I guess you didn't really leave yourself a choice.
Backed yourself into a corner
pleaded control of my voice.

I liked your accent that you had trained yourself to hide
your tattoos, your sincerity, your honest passion.
Your knowledge, your easy smile, your pride.
The way you seemed like an honest to goodness real man.
A gentleman.

You liked that I made it all so simple.

2011-03-17T18:09:00.000-07:00

It can be hard to be near you,

but it's always worse to be apart.

We'll never be you and me

and it breaks my heart.

But near and quiet

is better than far and silent.

Mirror in the sky, what is love?

2011-03-11T07:04:00.000-08:00

I've been afraid of changing
cos I built my life around you.
But time makes you bolder
children get older.
I'm getting older, too.

Kuroi Kaiju

2011-03-07T14:04:00.000-08:00

At the base of Mt. Fuji there is a Sea of Trees
that has long been associated with death.
In the distant past it was utilized in the practice of ubasute.
But since 1950 more than 500 people
have taken their own lives amongst those trees.
It's said that the forest is so dense that even at mid day
it isn't difficult to find areas completely shrouded in darkness.
Due to the density, which blocks wind flow, and an absence of wildlife,
Aokigahara exists in an eerie silence.

Experimental

2011-02-20T17:38:00.000-08:00

I could be the leader, the voice, the pale hands wrapped around the microphone. I'll cradle it, singing love songs with you like I really mean them. Later you'll reek of the night, beer and smoke and musty stage light all over you. My name will crash between us like a plane shot out of the sky and I'll say something that tastes like "please." You and I will arrive at sunset and not leave until dawn, as though darkness itself were only a myth, disproved by modernity.

Legacy

2011-02-19T07:53:00.000-08:00

I want people to tell their children 
terrifying stories
about the things we did
for love.

You're just too good to be true

2011-02-16T08:13:00.000-08:00

2 years

This Isn't Very Nice, but neither was she

2011-01-28T08:01:00.000-08:00

Redone

When We Hear That Old Song We Will Dance

2011-01-18T09:25:00.000-08:00

You're not any cooler than me

+and I love it+

You're not taller than me

+and I don't mind it+

You laugh easily and are wonderful to talk to

+and I embrace it+

Last night
I taught you how
to feel the ridges in your fingerprints
and in mine as well.

The rough little swirls that make you different from me.

The code that renders me separate.

{And/we/were/a/little/closer}

You marvelled at our hands

;; the tactility of it all;;

the backward and forward
of our little game.

You wanted to know the science of it
but I laughed gently, took your hand again,

told you: No.

Some people will tell you that when you can't go back

it means you have to travel forward.

But I believe that, sometimes, it's perfectly okay to just sit still

[[ and enjoy the moments between ]]

Don't You Know It's Gonna Last?

2011-01-16T06:03:00.000-08:00

Whatever happened to the nights when I had a cigarette hanging off my lips, my hair flying in my face not so gracefully, when we would speed over the hills and through those winding roads with our feet not touching the ground and our hands clasped tight, just talking, just getting familiar with each other's faces. Blinking back tears because my stomach was cramping up, you have the greatest sense of humor. I really need you to tell me I'm going to come out of this okay. Will you be there when I'm glazed in fluorescent light, when my wires and veins sync? I am bleary eyes and heavy sighs and you are just everything I could want with your pretty eyes and friendly smiles. I am a bird in your hand.

I'm dancing in your living room. We are throwing our hands in the air, we are singing about falling in love, with glasses of red red wine and champagne, occassionally sloshing and making its way to the floor. We don't care if there is a hurricane outside, our cheeks are rosy and we are surrounded by wonderfully educated people. The night refused to end and I was fine. I sneak a smoke on the back porch with your sister and we discuss school, starfishes, the usual. I saw you hanging off the banister, swaying backward, I grabbed your hand and we somehow found ourselves downstairs. You backflipped over the couch and were stringing your sentences together much as I am now, speaking in tongues. Truthful tongues. You kept using your hands for emphasis at the wrong times, told me you loved me and we both laughed while you repeated that I was very beautiful, that I am sweet, that I should go hang out with your sister, that I'm smart and easy to talk to. About how lonely you are and your inferiority issues and how sometimes you want to kill yourself. It made me sad that I was the only one you could talk to like this. But proud, too. In the morning you looked completely different. Your shadows were gone, your face was pale, your voice was monotone and your words direct. It's fine, I said, because it really was just fine.

This is a lie. A best kept secret and I am okay with that.

Because if light were thrown on our shadows

I don't know what would become of us.

You wanna dance? Let's go dancing!

Can you sing me to sleep tonight? I miss you

I think we're having a heat wave.

Never mind the blistering winds, my cheeks were rosy.

I won't stop loving you.

All the things you are.

Give me your honest opinion...

How do you know I will?

I don't.

Portland Oregon and Sloe Gin Fizz

2011-01-13T10:30:00.000-08:00

If that ain't love then tell me what is.

Last night's shivering and laughing

taught me that you're as crazy as I am.

I can't wait for more.

Next day we knew last night got drunk

but we loved enough for the both of us.

I caught a piece of the sunshine

2011-01-02T09:32:00.000-08:00

You and I are not the polite people who live in poems.

On your knees or on your back

2010-12-19T08:34:00.001-08:00

Do what you want, just say so.

No one's gonna care if we disappear.

The unique thing

is that I don't WANT

us to be "together"

I would never trust a word you said.

But as we are?

I love being with you.

I trust you implicitly.

Twist your lips into a kiss, Cross your heart

2010-12-19T08:18:00.000-08:00

I dream about you.

Every. Single. Night.

Every one is different, though.

One night we have to figure out

what our situation means.

We kiss

and I wake up happy

The next night we go to college together.

My dad doesn't approve, but it doesn't matter

because you're leaving me for some Asian girl

who liked your crayon drawing

and offered to teach you French.

She was a bitch.

I kicked her in the shin.

I do it every time, you're killing me now

2010-12-15T17:54:00.000-08:00

I don't want you to go OUT of my life

but it's becoming exhausting trying to keep you IN it.

A Quiet Mind

2010-12-06T12:18:00.000-08:00

I think it's important to be with someone

who is comfortable with your vices.

It's even better when you share them.

The Script

2010-12-05T19:42:00.000-08:00

Drinking old cheap bottles of wine,
sit talking up all night,
saying things we haven't said for a while.
We're smiling but we're close to tears.
Even after all these years
we just now got the feeling
that we're meeting for the first time

These times are hard, they're making us crazy.

When you're 45 minutes, 3 hours, 5 hours in
you stop all that acting;just start taking it in.
You have so much time to experience it all
and even if things get faster,
you know they won't get frantic.
You marvel, and you map, and you get lost in it,

and every once in a while,
you laugh together.

The Work Affair (1)

2010-12-03T19:37:00.000-08:00

"CHIEF CEE-LO DEMANDS ASIAN WOMEN."

Here we are again. Feel the chemicals kicking in.

2010-11-30T10:51:00.000-08:00

The kids are disco dancing.

They're tired of rock and roll.

There's no use telling them that drum machine

ain't got no soul.

Did you hear what they said?

That rock and roll is dead?

Yeah, it's like a zombie,

it'll dig itself back up again.

We can't rewind now, we've gone too far

As far as karma goes, $140 is a small price to pay.

I still think the fines should have been equal, though.

I forgot to say out loud...

2010-11-30T10:32:00.001-08:00

Can't you tell that this is all just a contest?

The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest.

But baby I don't mean it.

I promise.

Warning

2010-11-29T07:32:00.000-08:00

There are a lot of us now. I wouldn't make a move if I were you.

What are you waiting for? Say goodbye to my heart tonight.

2010-11-28T14:15:00.000-08:00

You can call now if you want/can.

Can we text? I'm at home.

Sure.

I feel bad like we may have just ruined our friendship.

I hope not. I know this isn't a big deal in the big picture.

I just wanna know that we're okay.

Yeah, I guess. I mean.

We were stupid and all

but it stopped early so,

y'know.

I agree. And I truly appreciate your

friendship and company.

I know that we can be

smarter going forward,
maintaining boundaries.

I feel like any notion of this being spoken to

anyone could ruin both of our lives.

Agreed?

Yeah, don't tell anyone.

Even if there was chemistry this

couldn't happen and we both know it.

I'm not a slut or something.

I've never thought that and I don't think that.

And I'm not like that either.

I won't tell and I hope you won't either

because it would ruin my marriage, job

and devastate my kids.

Ugh. I'm sorry.

Okay.

Good =) I'm thinking we should

delete this text convo.

Cool?

******************************************

If I ask you a question will you

give me an honest answer?

Yes. What do you want to ask?

How far would things have gone

had I not stopped them?

I don't think it would've gone any further.

I didn't have a plan, per se.

But I could've gotten caught up in it pretty easily.

I don't know. It just happened.

I'd like for you to answer the same question

please.

I would like to hear your opinion.

Well, I stopped the whole thing,

so obviously that's all the

farther I would have gone, right?

Sorry. I didn't think of it like that.

But I can assure you that it wasn't premeditated.

It just happened.

That's what leads me to believe that it would've

stopped there regardless.

May I know what made you ask?

I dunno. Just overanalyzing, I guess.

I mean, you didn't tell her that you were with me

and you were going to make me hide from her.

I felt like a dirty mistress or something.

I panicked in the moment,

that's why I asked you to go upstairs.

She wasn't upset that you were there.

She didn't know you were there
because we hadn't spoken prior to your coming.

I'm truly sorry. I didn't mean for it to happen.

And I didn't mean to make you feel that way.

It was all a big accident.

Have your feelings about it changed since last night?

Mine haven't. I just grieve any

damage done to our frendship.

Please answer me.

Not really, I've just been thinking about it a lot

and the more I think about it the more

confused I get.

I understand. I'm sorry.

I have no explanation for any of this to assist you.

It happened and then I freaked.

There's no meaning or insight into any of it.

What followed it was a product of the

freaking out.

Hey I feel like this should all be

deleted as well.

Do you agree?

I'm sorry. I feel like a total failure.

Please forgive me.

No it's fine- I'll erase it, don't worry.

I dunno.

Do we need to talk about this more or

just forget it?

I don't need to talk about it.

But I will if you feel it's necessary.

Do you?

Nah, I'm good.

So where does this leave us?

Great friends with a better

understanding of each other.

Agree or disagree?

Yeah, sure.

You say SORRY too often.

2010-11-27T19:22:00.000-08:00

Okay. So. WHERE to even begin.

I get angry hearing about people like you

second hand, third hand, in the paper, movies, books.

It's people like you that are the reason

that parents keep getting more worried

and wives more doubtful with every passing day.

People like you make me sick.

And the fact that you somehow tricked me

into letting you THIS CLOSE to me,

the fact that you made me trust you

and then turned out to be a complete creep?

I am so angry.

Maybe with myself a little for not seeing it.

But mostly I have no trouble placing blame where it belongs.

You're an insecure, ridiculous, immature person.

You don't get satisfaction at home so you try to find it elsewhere.

Try to make me feel responsible for giving it to you.

THATS NOT MY JOB.

You are much older than me.

When I was still a child you were an adult.

So act like one.

I shouldn't be the one who has to push you away.

I shouldn't have to be the one to say no.

You say, In another world.

You say, In a past life.

You say, Slippery slope,

chemistry, I love knowing that there's

nothing going through your mind right now,

I haven't felt this way since the last time I saw you.

I say, Felt what way?

You say, Connected to another person.

You play with my hair, touch my arm,

laugh at my jokes and quirks.

You play just because you know you can.

Make me feel pretty, wanted and uncomfortable.

You press closer than ever before

And when I push you away you look sad

before you apologize,

and I know you're not sorry you did it, but sorry that

I said, No.

She appears unexpectedly and you say, Hide.

You say, Wait no, pretend to borrow something.

You say, Lie to cover my CHEATING ASS.

I hate you for making me that girl.

Y'know, the OTHER one.

It's All Happening

2010-11-19T13:58:00.000-08:00

I'm so content. I have a tough job with a lot of new friends and an easy job with little to no socialization. I'm thinking about picking up a bunch of certifications so that wherever I am I'll be able to get a decent job. Bar tending is first on the list, cos, well, it's interesting and bar tenders make kick ass money. Second, I think is massage therapy. (I'm really good with my hands.) After that I'm not sure, maybe I'll pick up an in-home care certification or a sonogram tech program and probably some typing/filing courses to make myself more hireable in office assistant positions.

Mike is starting to look seriously at grad schools which is terribly exciting. I hope he gets in somewhere beautiful; Oregon or Colorado or California. Okay, maybe not California. Living there is very expensive. I have a friend who used to live there and she told me that an efficiency in the San Fransisco area would cost around $2000/month. Also, apparently school funding out there got cut outrageously, so higher education isn't all it could be elsewhere. (There's a lot to consider here.) Only one thing is sure right now: wherever Mike goes I'll be going with him.

So here's a scary thought. I know we're young and all, but after two years it's only natural for a couple to start talking about marriage. I mean, my mom and dad met and got married after 5 months. Okay, so that one didn't really work out (they split when I was 11 months old) but here's the humdinger: she married my stepfather after just 3 months of knowing him and they've been together for, like, 17 years (and are happy as ever). That in mind, I firmly believe that when you know, you know. And I also firmly believe that I definitely know when it comes to Mike. All that being said, we've talked about it and "assuming we're still together" (a phrase one must use to avoid jinxing a relationship) we want to get married the summer after his senior year, before we move away and all of our friends scatter to the ends of the earth to settle where they will. But weddings generally take a while to plan ( like a year) which, and here's where things get freaky, means we'd have to get engaged somewhere between the end of his junior year/beginning of senior year (that's...really soon). The whole thing isn't scary to me personally (Mike and I are amazing together/compliment each other/are in love/have no doubts about wanting to be with each other), but it's a tiny bit frightening from a social standpoint. What will our families think? (Well, I know what HIS family will think. His parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins all think he's wasting his time with me and that it's only a matter of time until he comes to his senses and dumps me) What will our friends think? (Honestly, they've probably been waiting for the news since senior year) Is it wise to get married when he's about to jump into grad school and a whole new world of debt? Are we too young? WILL HE EVEN LIKE THE WAY I WANT TO DECORATE THE HOUSE? (of course he will, I have impeccable taste!)

Okay, I'm actually not worrying at all, I'm mostly just bull shitting. If it's meant to happen it will, and plus there will always be another reason to not do something. What you have to remember at the end of the day is that there are still a million and a half reasons you should.

Maybe Life's Not For Everyone

2010-10-06T09:10:00.000-07:00

This blog just seems to remind me of everything I don't have anymore.

Everlasting Friend

2010-09-30T00:13:00.001-07:00

It's 3.15 and I can't wash your words away. One of the first times you had really spoken to me in months and the last time I can remember you honestly looking at me. You've been ground down to a sham of what you were. We danced: each others' partners, but nowhere near each other. Revolving around our common vices and our common friends until eventually we collide, hard and raw and pushing the boundaries between mean and friendly; violence and want; what we are and what we were. The way you talked to me, the way you looked at me, the way you left finger shaped bruises on my arms, my hips, my shoulders. Not sure whether you held on so tight because you wanted to leave a mark or because you didn't want to leave at all.

I swear to God, I didn't mind.

It's not so difficult, the world is not so difficult

2010-09-29T23:53:00.001-07:00

And you don't recognize the people who never left your side
the ones who loved you unconditionally
knew you were a jackass
but knew you were also good, sweet, a hopeless romantic, a talented artist
and someone who would do anything for a friend
who laughed with you and gave you space when you needed it
and held you when you didn't know you needed it
who answered your calls and texts at 12, 3.30. 5 am
humored your antics and bad grammar and self destructive tendencies
because they were just something you had to get through
and were always ready to pick up your pieces when you couldn't.
And we're the ones you've left behind so willingly.

A Slow Strangle With Your Feet On The Floor

2010-09-29T23:33:00.000-07:00

I know you probably don't care about me one way or another

anymore

But I was thinking about you tonight.

And the thing is, I miss you. A lot.

You open your eyes, but I'll keep mine closed

2010-09-04T10:25:00.000-07:00

This isn't what I wanted.
And it's not the way I ever wanted it.

Come all the way down with me

2010-08-27T17:31:00.000-07:00

out behind the backstop
i smoke the stars into place.
then i continue until
they begin making sense.

call it coping.
call it destructive.
but i've already spent
a beautiful day of missing you.

Counting Down The Hours

2010-08-26T18:47:00.000-07:00

Lying in the outfield,
watching white clouds float across a sky so blue that it could
change the color of your eyes.

Y'know how we talked about the ocean?
Well this is another one of those instances
that I don't want to wash out of my hair just yet.

The pitcher puts religion first and rests on holidays

2010-07-28T18:51:00.000-07:00

The number 108 can be found countless places in and out of daily life. Hindu prayer beads, called Malas consist of 1o8 beads, certain martial arts practices teach that there are 108 pressure points on the human body and there are 108 stitches on a baseball. Perhaps holiness may be found wherever an individual chooses to look for it. Whether in prayer or in a vulnerable place on even the strongest or most flawless of bodies. Or even in the curveball of a talented young pitcher, stretching his limbs against a field of green to let fly a unreal throw that baffles batters and catches even a less-than-trained eye.

*******************************

Hindu deities have 108 names.

In Tibetan Buddhism it is believed that there are 108 sins. In Japan, at the end of the year a bell is chimed 108 times to welcome the new year. Each ring represents an earthly temptation that a person must overcome to reach nirvana.

Zen priests wear juzu (a string of prayer beads) around their wrist that have 108 beads.

The sum of The Numbers in LOST (4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42) is 108. 108 is also the number of minutes within which the numbers must be entered into the computer. And the number of days Oceanic 6 spent on the island.

108 is the sum of nine adjacent numbers.
8+9+10+11+12+13+14+15+16=108

In Homer's Odyssey there were 108 suitors coveting Penelope, wife of Odysseus.

The distance between the Earth and the moon is 108 times the diameter of the moon.

The distance between the Earth and the Sun is 108 times the diameter of the Sun.

San Francisco's calling us, the Giants and Mets will play

2010-07-28T16:19:00.000-07:00

Also, aside from learning the basics,
watching you watch the game
was more interesting than watching the game itself.
It made me want to be able to experience it
the same way you do.

We hung about the stadium, we've got no place to stay

2010-07-28T15:59:00.000-07:00

Everything about this game brings out a different side to me.
A part that I forgot existed.
Going to a big field like we did makes me feel about nine years old
and in wonder of everything around me.

Lead Me On

2010-07-14T19:53:00.000-07:00

Dear ***, ******, and ******

It makes me sad that you're not the person you used to be

that you chose the worst part of you to accentuate

and that we'll never have what we had.

Mainly, companionship, trust and unconditional love.

Respectively.

Regretfully,

********

Frustration.

2010-07-11T08:22:00.000-07:00

I hurt.
Burn.
An itch I can't scratch.
We can't even get close to each other
because my nerves are too raw.

And that's just on the outside.

We were standing on the hood of your car, singing out loud

2010-06-25T14:02:00.000-07:00

I love trying to describe the
smell of you.
It's always the same
but never constant.
It makes me feel full, heady

[Heady]
-adjective

1.intoxicating

2.affecting the mind or senses greatly

3.exciting; exhilarating

4.rashly impetuous

5.violent; destructive

6.clever; shrewd

Sitting in breezy, sunlit rooms I press a t-shirt of yours to my face.
Inhale.
I hold it in my lungs as long as I can
like I'm willing it into my airstream,
my veins.
[Keeping you there like a high.]
But even I know that highs
aren't something you can hold onto from day to day.
Each one is unique- somehow unlike any other you've had before.
Like every time we're together.

Sweet smoke.
Deoderant.
Menthol.
Summer.
The soap you use and the woods early in the morning.
Like it might need washed,
but not in a bad way.
Just tired.
Your vices lingering on the hems
and your ache for a life larger than you in the threads.

Take A Ride: While we still have time

2010-06-23T12:21:00.000-07:00

If you only once would let me,
only just one time
and be happy with the consequence
of whatever's gonna happen tonight.
Don't think we're not serious.
When's it ever not?
The love we make, it's give and it's take;
I'm game to play along.

It was foolish of me
to think that things
wouldn't be at least a little different
afterward,
wasn't it?
Wrists and hands
and being so conscious of breathing.
For some reason I supposed
lives would just go on the same way
they always have before.
Cool, marble counters.
I can't stop wondering
if you've thought about it
as much as I have.
Warm, dizzy thoughts.
I don't regret a thing.
Regrets are a waste of time.
Plus, why bother regretting something
that you enjoyed doing?

Everybody's been there and I don't mean on vacation

2010-06-14T16:10:00.000-07:00

Silliest weekend ever.
Friday, Kate came over and we hung out all day. It was a lot of fun.
Ponyo loves ham.
In case you weren't aware.
Then we walked around Greensburg until we ended up at the Rialto Cafe.
This adorable little Italian place.
Mike met up with us and after we ate we went back to my house for a while longer.

The next morning I woke up with what appeared to be a pretty nasty bug bite on the inside of my forearm. The bump was pretty big and there was a clearly defined red circle about an inch in diameter around it.
I rubbed so stuff on it to make the swelling go down and took a Benedryl, assuming it would be gone within a couple of days.
The next day the bump was bigger, the circle had expanded to two inches wide and it was incredibly sore if I accidentally bumped it or touched the surrounding area. I was going to let it go for one more day to see if it got better and then go to the doctor, but throughout the day it just got worse. So at 12 last night Mike and I packed into the car and went to the Emergency Room, where we were seen at 3.3o am.

Now. I understand there were probably people in that place who had much worse than a bug bite and therefore needed medical attention more drastically than me, but c'mon, three and a half hours?
We were moved to two different rooms. The second one was cozier. A cozy as a hospital room can be, I guess. I don't know, I like hospitals. I feel safe there. They'll take care of me. We turned most of the lights off and I curled up in the bed and Mike sat in a chair next to me and held my hand while I dozed. I was tired and kept saying, "They didn't put an IV in me, I'm not staying the night. I'm not staying." Because I really wanted to believe that this was just a simple little doctor visit to get a shot and a prescription and go home.
It didn't really work out that way.
The doctor finally came in and poked and prodded and looked concerned. He was nice and told me that whatever it had started out as, the "bug bite" had progressed to the beginning stages of MRSA. He came back with a tray of shiny tools and explained what he was going to do.
He was going to shoot the area full of novacaine and then open it up to get all the bad stuff out.
The shot hurt like hell.
It burned and ached and it was really horrible.
And then I accidentally saw what he was going to use to cut it open.
Y'know those medical dramas where they cut the person open in surgery and sometimes you just can't watch?
It was like that.
Then he stuffed it full of packing and I have to go to another doctor and have him change the packing and I'm not looking forward to it, because it already just aches and aches all the time under the big white bandage.
I'm no stranger to emergency room procedures. I'm one of those kids who's gone in a billion times for everything; near fatal fevers, vomiting, broken bones, a nine day migraine trip where they gave me so much morphine I thought my brain was going to float too close to the sun and pop. This was by far the most traumatic hospital trip I've ever had.

I hate bugs.

Bullet Soul

2010-06-10T09:02:00.001-07:00

Yet we keep going to war.
What battle could possibly be more important
than a moment like this?

Eternal youth is the landscape of a lie

2010-05-31T09:19:00.000-07:00

I met you at an end-of-summer party.
The end of a great three months, all anyone wanted to do was have a good time.

You found a home in all your scars and ammunition...
Ashes to ashes of our youth

Your name, your age, everything about you is a complete mystery to me.
You had green eyes and dark hair.
And big hands.
You could have been an honor student. Maybe you're a doctor now. You could be Superman.
I don't give a damn.
In five minutes that stretched into an eternity you made the biggest mistake of my life.
In my mind, that's who you'll always be.

She smashed her knuckles into winter
as autumn's wind fades into black

I was ruined for a while.
The thing about an event like this is that it distorts everything.
The way you look at your friends, your family, at boys,
at school, at food, at your stuffed animals and cd's.
Everything that just a few days ago was familiar suddenly seems foreign, changed.
Like someone came into your life and rearranged the things there and you come back to find it all the same, but looking completely different.
Like a burglary. Something is out of place but you can't quite put your finger on it.
But most of all, it distorts the way you see yourself.
I stopped eating. Started hurting myself. It was stupid.
Like your drunken behavior could ever be worth my life.
I started hunting down boys like it was my job, to prove that I could be powerful, too.
I didn't have relationships.
Cheating, picking fights, cruel, undeserved words; I sabotaged the threats of any healthy relationships, squashing them as soon as I felt myself falling.
I had conquests.
I had a list and I quickly ran my fingers down the page and crossed off each one.

Don't lose your faith to your lost naivete
Weather the storm and don't look back on last November
when your banners were burning down

I ran into you once. At a concert.
You didn't remember me, but how could I forget you?
We talked.

Bring us the season we will always remember
Don't let the bonfires go out

I met this boy at a New Year's Eve party. The start of an amazing new year, all anyone wanted to do was have a good time.
He respected me and made me laugh and we became friends.
Friends became more than that and he so easily could have been a name added to that list.
But he wasn't.
He made me happy, made me feel good about myself when we were together, instead of empty, like all the other boys.
He made me want to be a better person.
He made me want to be better for him,
but more importantly, he made me want to be better for me.
He still does.

This is why we're on the edge;
the fight of our life's been drawn in this undying love.

The Mysteries of Pittsburgh

2010-05-20T10:52:00.000-07:00

I turned nineteen two days ago. Finally. Hahah, I know one day I'll wish I didn't grow up so fast, but right now I'm loving every minute.
Annie, Mike and I went to the South Side yesterday. It was pretty much fabulous.
I got a ring for my nose piercing so I have something other than studs to wear in it. And I got my tragus pierced. Which literally hurt worse than anything I've gotten done so far, tattoo or piercing. I didn't see the needle the woman used, but Mike did and he said it was wicked looking. All huge and sharp and curved. Hearing that made me glad I didn't see it. I might have backed out. I failed to realise how thick your tragus is. I actually heard it crunch as the needle went through. Gross, but totally worth it. It doesn't hurt at all now, and it looks so amazingly cool. Especially with my new nose ring. I also got a tattoo, a couple weeks back now. It says "Let It Be" on the inside of my wrist in courier font. Basically, I feel a little like a BAMF lately. I'm finally getting to do all the cool things that I've always wanted to; shopping in Pittsburgh on a whim, getting piercings and tattoos and, even better, being able to sign for them myself. I had a lot of fun. Even if there was no birthday pie left by the time we got home.

From Me To You

2010-05-03T08:15:00.000-07:00

I temporarily forgot how very much I love The Beatles.

I got a guinea pig from Marley's little herd yesterday. She's real little and mostly white, but one side of her face is dark brown and the other is real light br0wn, and one of her legs is dark brown like she's wearing a little stocking. She's snuggly and absolutely precious.

I decided to stick with the music inspired names. So I'm a little cliche and went with Penny Lane. Whatever. It fits her perfectly. And even better, I decided to play her the song to see if she liked it. And the most adorable thing happened. Part way through the song she started this cooing/purring thing along to the music. When the song ended she stopped, and when the next song came on she started again. My guinea pig loves The Beatles. How marvelous is that?

PS. There are so many reasons I adore that picture up there. Not least of which is that Mike's newest pet name for me is Panda Bear. Which I think is weird and cute and wonderful all at once.

Upon us all a little rain must fall

2010-05-01T17:42:00.000-07:00

Zeppelin died yesterday morning. Of a respiratory infection. I came home and found him acting really lethargic and I held him all night and fed him juice and tried to make him better, but he was too sick. It was heartbreaking and I'm not completely okay. He was only 5 months old and I know it's stupid to beat myself up, but I feel like it's my fault that he got sick. Which it isn't. But, whatever. I'm still crushed.

Foxy

2010-05-01T15:56:00.000-07:00

This is going to be a ridiculous post.
I can't hate Megan Fox.
I want to. I want to be able to say that she's skanky and greasy and a disgusting person and I don't respect her.
But I can't.
I can't because she's ridiculous and smart and says the most absurd things I've ever heard in interviews. I actually laugh out loud when I read an interview she's done.
Oh. And she's literally the most beautiful person I've ever seen in my entire life.
These are the main reasons why I can't hate her...

“I’m horrible to live with. I don’t clean. My clothes end up wherever I take them off. I forget to flush the toilet. Friends will tell me, “Megan, you totally pinched a loaf in my toilet and didn’t flush.”

“Zac Efron is my obsession, we’re the same person. We’re not actually here, it’s like Janet and Michael Jackson. He just puts on his wig and a dress, and it’s me, and you don’t know that. It’s one of the greatest mysteries of all time.”

“Starscream is the sexiest Transformer. [Why?] ‘Cause he just is. Why is Simba sexy? He just was. Maybe it was because Jonathan Taylor Thomas was the voice. I can’t tell you. It’s something I just feel.”

“I am pretty sure I am a doppelganger for Alan Alda. I’m a tranny. I’m a man. I’m so painfully insecure. I’m on the verge of vomiting now. I am so horrified that I am here, and embarrassed. I’m scared.”

“I think people are born bisexual and then make subconscious choices based on the pressures of society. I have no question in my mind about being bisexual. But I’m also a hypocrite: I would never date a girl who is bisexual, because that means they also sleep with men, and men are so dirty that I’d never sleep with a girl who had slept with a man.”

"If someone were to tell me she's a vampire, I'd go 'Yeah, okay, totally.' How come Angelina doesn't look any different than when she did Tomb Raider? It's because she's actually a 900-year-old vampire."

"I've had plenty of awkward sex, but that first time was not awkward. I was in love with him, and it was nice."

Hahahahahah, WHAT?

a WISH/HOPE/WANT list

2010-04-29T10:56:00.000-07:00

I wish I had a bike like this one. It's so cool.

I hope I can live in a place as beautiful as this one day.

I desperately want a pipe that is as precious and adorable as this.

I wish I was pretty enough to pull off that nose ring. And the rest of the jewelry.

I hope my future family will be as sweet and stylish as this one.

I want her dress. I think its so so so cute. Especially with those red gladiator sandals.
I'm going to try this hairstyle and I really really hope it works. Isn't it fun?

But why?

2010-04-26T07:19:00.001-07:00

Does anyone else keep getting links to Asian porn sites posted in their comments?

I appreciate the offer, really, but that's not really my cup of tea.

Thanks anyway? I guess?

I've Become Comfortably Numb

2010-04-22T08:40:00.000-07:00

To the two loves of my life:

I don't understand. I don't know why us being together makes them all so angry. Perhaps they're jealous. You make colors more vibrant, you make thoughts run deeper, you make sounds more meaningful, and the reflection of sun on water more hypnotizing.

I love you. Isn't that enough?

Exhalation

2010-04-22T07:44:00.000-07:00

Fuck you all.

I've fallen in love with sunflowers and cherry blossoms

2010-04-20T11:10:00.001-07:00

Your fingers weave quick minarets, speaking secret alphabets

2010-04-20T08:27:00.000-07:00

Millions of suns rise every morning.

The sun rises for millions every morning.

Every morning millions of people rise and never look up.

Every morning there are a few who don't rise.

?suns or people?

I bet if they got the chance

they would look up this morning.

I did.

You'd never believe what I saw.

I'm Feeling Near As Faded As My Jeans

2010-04-20T08:02:00.000-07:00

There are certain books that I could read over and over again. Some of them I know so well that I can just skip around to my favorite parts. These include:

The Giver-Lois Lowry

The Realm of Possibility-David Levithan

The Reader-Bernhard Schlink

The Outsiders-S.E. Hinton

Fight Club-Chuck Palahniuk

Wide Awake-David Levithan

A Clockwork Orange-Anthony Burgess

House of Leaves-Mark Z Danielewski

Only Revolutions-Mark Z Danielewski

Heavier Than Heaven-Charles R. Cross

The Catcher In The Rye-J.D. Salinger

Wonder Boys-Michael Chabon

Killing Yourself To Live-Chuck Klosterman

Dharma Bums-Jack Kerouac

On The Road-Jack Kerouac

Love Is A Mixtape-Rob Sheffield

Passion is a Fashion-Pat Gilbert

There are a thousand more, but those are the ones I thought of off the top of my head. And I loves them all.

I Am The Red In The Rose

2010-04-20T06:40:00.000-07:00

I am the grey in the ghost hiding with your clothes behind your closet door...

It's a green green green day.

and you haven't truly experienced color

until you've seen green on a day like this.

If you go chasing rabbits and you know you're going to fall...

2010-04-19T10:40:00.000-07:00

I am evolved.

I am involved.

I am in love.

I am alive.

There was a beautiful backyard. A huge tree sprawled its branches across the blanketed blue sky and pale pink blossoms rained into our hair. Deeper into the trees there was a shack, big enough to sit in but too small to stand up straight. It was nice of them, but too dark, too much shifting. It felt like the film was coming off the reel. Cigarette burns flashing by and you and I walked out. Driving, driving, windows down, Jim Morrison serenading our expanded minds and you and I, we drove. Walking for miles down a dirt path, we spoke of things that made up our personal atoms. The electrons and protons and the rhapsody that was the nucleus of our worlds. A great, white log hung out over the stream and you and I, we dangled our feet in the cold, cold water. I wont go back. I sit in plush chairs, staring out enormous windows, hazy, but crystalline, sometimes drawing, always listening. I discover new things in the sound, in the velvet, crushing, caressing of the notes. And I know I'll never go back to before.

But then again...

2010-03-09T07:33:00.000-08:00

Some things haven't changed at all, have they?
A two hour roadtrip to see the town where Dave Grohl was born,
and it couldn't have been made with anyone better than you.

Make way for ducklings!

Just like old times,
laughing loud over nothing
and talking seriously about everything.
And, damn, but we look good in Burger King crowns.

Growing Up Sucks

2010-03-09T07:27:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wish I were what I was when I wished I were what I am now.
We are not the people we were.
And while change should
usually be made the most of,
most of
this change just
stingsburnsachespullstearsthrobspressesstabsandtwists
Hurts.
But
The growing pains of this life
are often the opportunities of the next.

Just

2010-02-16T07:18:00.001-08:00

Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck you all.

It's Still Rock and Roll To Me

2010-02-08T14:37:00.001-08:00

I'm all silly and happy right now.

Toeing the line between nostalgia

and living wholeheartedly for the moment.

It's nice.

Friday night Mike and I stayed at my house. We...

-Built an epic pillow fort out of every

pillow and blanket we could find.

-Put on a photoshoot while wearing

stick on moustaches we found in a quarter machine.

-Had a dance party around midnight.

-Stayed up late and talked,

and fell asleep together in our fort.

We were supposed to work Saturday morning

but the museum was closed because of the snow storm.

So we stayed under the covers all morning

and ate pepperoni rolls for breakfast.

I'm afraid he bought me too much for Valentine's Day. I couldn't afford much because I didn't get to work for over a month. But his gift is still really good, I think. So he shouldn't mind. He's also made reservations at somewhere fancy for dinner. He won't tell me where, just to dress up. I think he's gonna blindfold me on the way there so I can't tell where we're going.

This isn't artsy or anything. Just me catching up with myself.

Darling.

2010-02-08T14:26:00.000-08:00

You are beautiful.
You are determined.
You are strong.
You are loved.
You are talented.
You are wanted.
You are you.

April 25, 2009

2010-01-13T02:00:00.000-08:00

One of the happiest days of my life.

Three of the best people in my life and I,

piled into a car called Monty.

We bought subs and harassed Jack at work.

We kicked off the journey to Jesus of Suburbia.

Epic.

That giant freaking moose in that yard;
tell me you remember?

And defiling a mansion, just because we could,

and there were no other cars on the road.

We waded in a creek and Mike fell.

He had to go commando in a pair of Blaine's pants,

and Blaine and I had to hold up towels because the boy had already

exposed himself to the world once, whilst peeing by the side of the road.

My shorts got soaked and I wore a blanket I found in the trunk as a skirt.

It's still in my room, along with that swimming polo.

The one that Blaine got so pissed at me over, because

I bit a hole through it accidentally.

We listened to acoustic songs the entire ride home,

exhausted.

We drove an extra five blocks

just to finish Wonderwall.

When we got back to the attic we collapsed in a pile

and took a nap.

Mike, Sam, Blaine, Ange-Jack showed up at some point.

I think he tried to wrestle people?

I was half asleep. So content.

One of those perfectly peaceful days. The ones where you don't wanna shower the next morning, cause you just can't stand the thought of washing yesterday out of your hair.

My Muse

2010-01-12T23:41:00.000-08:00

I'm getting my first tattoo soon. It's a lyric from one of my favorite songs of all time: "Starlight," by Muse:

You electrify my life, let's conspire to ignite all the souls that would die just to feel alive.

I'm gonna have it going down my spine in a Courier-typewriter sort of print. And I'm excited in a big way.

In Inches, In Miles, In Laughter, In Strife

2010-01-12T22:55:00.000-08:00

I looked at my blog posts from a year ago. Starting from the tenth of January until about the middle of February almost every single one I wrote was about a certain individual in my life.

It all started with an art field trip to an exhibit called Life On Mars. I spent the entire day with my best friend. The entire day we joked and flirted and basically opened the door for a whole slew of feelings that neither of us were prepared to deal with. By the end of the bus ride home we were curled up in the seat together, our fingers lightly intertwined. Later he would tell me that if we hadn't been in front of so many people he probably would have kissed me right then and there. I wished he would've anyway.

We hugged tightly before we parted and promised each other that we would find a way to get together the next day, to work the whole situation out.

Needless to say, we worked it out.

To make a rather long story short, here we are, 12 months later. 12 months. 525,600 minutes (so what if I only know that because of RENT?). 1,000,000 hours in the car. 10 billion stars. 1,000 stupid arguments. 1,000 sincere apologies. 8 mixtapes. 6 CD slots. 4 houses. 4 beds. 2 showers. 2 living rooms. 2 dining rooms. 1 kitchen. 1 attic. 1 vacation. 1 new ceiling. 1 adventure book. 2 crazy, retarded, very much in love kids. 1 insane journey. 1 insane year.

And many more to come.

A Ditty For The Back of a Napkin

2010-01-09T10:00:00.000-08:00

I'm giving up my walking shoes

as the wind and the waves wash away my blues,

You help me lose track of time.

Rock and roll, you're holding me,

rocking in your arms by a rolling sea

It was easy making up my mind.

I can see forever in your eyes.

So This Is Friendship

2009-12-29T10:40:00.000-08:00

You should come drink champagne and whiskey with me.

Where?

My place. Come in your pj's. We'll get buzzed and watch daytime television.

Gimme an hour.

Forget What You'll Never Remember

2009-12-29T08:36:00.001-08:00

Lalalala.

There are things a person shouldn't do.

I've done them.

No regrets, right?

You have no idea.

I've never felt more alive.

I'm sorry, baby, please don't hate me.

Zepellin The Christmas Rat

2009-12-23T06:47:00.000-08:00

I'm getting a pet rat today. She's black and adorable and I'm gonna name her Zepellin. Which i think is the cutest rat name ever. Maybe I'll get her a harness and take her for walks. I'm not sure yet.

I'm currently fitting back into a pair of jeans from eighth grade. And they look better now than they did then. This event pleases me in about four different ways.

But, back to Zepellin. I'm really excited, cause for a really long time now I've wanted something to take care of all on my own, something that was completely dependent on me. And, no, boyfriends don't count. Hahaha. So I'm getting this little creature that will depend solely on me. And possibly ride around on my shoulder. I'm so okay with this.

Christmas is like two days away. Two days! I love Christmas. I love all holidays. They offer you a chance to be something you don't get to be the rest of the year. Like, at Halloween you get to feel like a kid again, dress up like someone (or something) you're not and eat a ton of candy. At Christmas you get to have your house covered in wrapping paper, your bank account exhausted and your dress size go up. All totally worth it.

My dog Cosmo is a boxer-great dane mix. He's huge. His head is twice the size of my new little pet. I hope he likes her. And doesn't eat her. Other rat owners compare the experience to that of owning a very small dog. We'll see.

Hyperventilation

2009-12-20T09:51:00.001-08:00

This is so bad. I can't breathe at all. I can't. I can't even think straight. I can't do this.

Begging For Another Chance At It All

2009-12-19T08:15:00.000-08:00

I miss that family so much. I miss dodgeball. I miss the youth musical. The old days, when me, Cara, Abby, Laura and matt Claney were the only kids from our grade that went. Sitting in Tim Hunt's basement every Thursday night with Tim, Mark, Jeff Morris, Bryan, and sometimes one or two others, and then, later, in the corner of the L couch every Tuesday night with fifteen, twenty, twenty-five people. Surrounded by a group I trusted completely. People who knew more about me than I did. I miss walking into the building and having eight different friends run toward me, arms outstretched, wanting a hug and to hear/tell the latest. Holding a friend, sobbing into their hair and them not minding. Mostly because they were sobbing onto my shirt. Playing piano and singing with Kayla. Taking dumb pictures with Katie and the awkward way we hugged because we're the same height. Topics class, the lock in, ASP, Guitar Hero, handprints, graffiti boards, holding hands, under the stairs confession sessions, stretching my arms out, up to the sky, singing my heart out, my soul about burst. He is jealous for me. He loves like a hurricane, I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy. Mark playing Jason Mraz songs, Mark teaching me how to look into the emotion of the Truth, Mark with his t-shirts and jeans and converse and Bible and guitar. Singing on the worship team. Skipping Sunday school but attending youth group devotedly. And I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned in awe of the one who gave it all. I'll stand, my soul, Lord, to you surrendered. All I am is yours. Sitting in the choir room, causing a ruckus for Bill, then Jean. I like to think they loved us anyway. Skipping youth once or twice, cause someone just needs to talk. That morning that Bree pulled me out of church to go vent in Mark's office. Sneaking back into the church at 11pm with PM, Cara, Seth, Christian and Kaitlin to cover the floor in verses. Kaitlin brought caffeinated beverages. Dance parties, King's Fest, Bryan Joseph, Bethany, Courtney, Jen, Alex, Matt, Cate, Laura, Lorris, Abby, Zaq, Claneys, Ande, Tim, Bree, Amber, Chelsea, Alec, Katie, Theresa, Katti, Natalie, Ange everybody who was a constant part of my life. Everyone that i haven't seen or talked to in months. CrabCrabCrab. That musical where we got Bill to dress up like a sheep. Every retreat we ever had and the absolutely stunning memories that I have from them. Running through the aisles at the concert, a chain of hundreds. Prayer labyrinths. And realising that God might just have a Southern accent. Broken Yoke, Harlend, Through A Glass, Casting Crowns (Katie Brown, do you remember that summer we spent listening to Casting Crowns and decorating the graffiti boards?), Hawk Nelson, Third Day, Family Force Five, Relient K, David Crowder, TobyMac. I miss it all.

To Hide

2009-12-15T16:55:00.000-08:00

We all hold on to "you love me, don't you?" desperations

in a nation where mediocrity's accepted

and insanity's rejected,

where women are weak and men are pathetic.

Put up your mask and never forget it

until it falls away and breaks down,

have a mental breakdown.

Stupidity is over now and cliches finally get drowned
in tears of mourning for our fate,

tears of fear and tears of hate.

It's all irrelevant, you see,

until you find out what makes them

me.

I Want To Be Your Goodnight.

2009-12-15T16:48:00.001-08:00

There are days

when the only thing I want in the world

is to get through it

and still be holding your hand

when we're standing on the doorstep

and it's time to say goodnight.

A Timeline of the Fargone

2009-12-14T09:39:00.000-08:00

8.42 pm Talked to Mike. He told me he'd text me when he got up so that I could get up to study.

8.53 pm Went to bed.

12.00 am Woke up to three texts from my drunk dad asking me why I wasn't home.

12.28 am Upon realising that I was home, he came in and threw a styrofoam container of pizza at me.

12.32 am Got up to drink half a carton of orange juice.

12.40 am Went back to bed.

8.36 am Mike texted me to wake me up.

11.24 am I woke up.

11.33 am I have five essays to write today and can't remember my password to get to the assignments on the website.

11.45 am Waiting for password to come through my e-mail

11.52 am Figured I'd do something productive in mean time. Blog, apparently.

12.32 pm Had to get my dad's car from the bar and drove halfway to Latrobe before realising I needed to be in Greensburg.

1.02 pm Still waiting for that password...

It's nights like last night that make nothing feel like a whole lotta something.

End Over End

2009-12-09T07:32:00.000-08:00

Dreams are capturing my interest lately. I'm doing a project on them for my psychology class. AndI'mlearningthings.

Only 15% of the population dreams in color.

Dreams about sexual encounters are more likely to represent an area of your life that you're very invested in, rather than a person you're sexually interested in. For example: a sex dream about Evgeni Malkin most likely represents an extreme love and investment in hockey. There are, of course, exceptions to every rule...

Dreams involving nudity most likely mean that you feel vulnerable in that area of your life.

Dreams involving being chased often mean you're feeling guilty about something, while one where you're chasing something means that there's a certain goal you're trying to reach in some area of your life.

There are two theories of dreams. One is the Freudian theory which assumes that dreams are an individual's subconscious' way of trying to tell the conscious self an important piece of information. The other states that dreams are the mind's way of processing the events and

information that it experienced during the day.

Which do you believe?

Do you dream in colour? I do, usually, but sometimes I get a black and white or sepia one.

Do you remember your dreams? And, if so, what's the weirdest dream you've ever had?

I've started keeping track of mine on a second blog called Fractured/Subconscious at http://www.fracturedsubconscious.blogspot.com/

Consciously telling yourself that you'll remember your dreams before you go to bed actually increases your chances of remembering them.

The average person spends about six years of their lifetime dreaming. That's over 2100 days spent in a different world.

Blind people do dream. Whether visual images will appear in their dream depends on whether they where blind at birth or became blind later in life. But vision is not the only sense that constitutes a dream. Sounds, tactility, and smell become hypersensitive for the blind and their dreams are based on these senses.

Five minutes after the end of the dream, half the content is forgotten. After ten minutes, 90% is lost.

The word dream stems from the Middle English word, 'dreme' which means "joy" and "music".

Men tend to dream more about other men, while women dream equally about men and women.

Studies have shown that our brain waves are more active when we are dreaming than when we are awake.

Physiologically speaking, researchers found that during dreaming REM sleep, males experience erections and females experience increased vaginal blood flow - no matter what the content of the dream. In fact, "wet dreams" may not necessarily coincide with overtly sexual dream content.

People who are giving up smoking have longer and more intense dreams.

Toddlers do not dream about themselves. They don't appear in their own dreams until the age of 3 or 4.

A person cannot snore and dream at the same time.

Synesthetic Synthesizer

2009-12-06T18:30:00.000-08:00

The double bass

this double bass

is pounding, thudding,

buddinginmymind.

And I need it,

and i need you,

you to

push through

my denial

into thatbestembrace.

Moving, moving together,

apart,together,apart.

And that double bass.

The push, the pull,

you can't stop,

but it's okay, because I can't get enough.

Waves and chills and shakes and trembles and fortes and pianos and this and that and you and me and give and take and more moremoremoremoremoremoremoremoremoremoremoremore moremoremoremoremoremoremoremoremoremoremoremoremoremoremoremoremoreOH MY GOD.

again?

do you have to ask?

The bass line resumes.

It shivers its way through me.

Like your words,your thoughts,your movements.

Like you.

Do This With Me?

2009-12-05T10:54:00.001-08:00

I had a fortune cookie today.

The little scroll of paper

said simply:

Don't panic.

Impression

2009-12-01T11:59:00.000-08:00

This morning I woke up wrapped tightly in my blanket
and freezing cold.
I instinctively looked to see
which way I should roll
to get back to you.
Imagine my surprise then,
when I found you weren't there.
I snuggled into the impression
you left in my sheets,
closed my eyes,
and drifted back to you.

The First Step

2009-11-30T08:44:00.001-08:00

Are you gonna be okay, honey?

I don't know, Sam, but I'm smiling.

I hear that's the first step.

Its a nice first step.

Seeing Isn't Always Believing

2009-11-29T15:41:00.000-08:00

I'm remembering my dreams more lately.

Sometimes in the usual

"I had such a weird dream last night"

way.

But more often

something during my day

sparks a feeling of recognition.

I've seen this?

I did something like this?

And I know

that I've dreamed it.

Perhaps the night before

or two weeks ago

This strange remembering of mine

confuses me at times.

Because I swear I've seen that look in your eyes,

that hopeful quirk of your smile,

the flattering, sweet chivalry in your words.

But I swear it was someone else before.

You Show Your Pain Like It Really Hurts

2009-11-23T08:01:00.000-08:00

And I can't even begin to feel mine.

Hello there, little one.

Can I just tell you that I'm sorry?

So very sorry.

I'm sorry that you never got to see this world,

so bright, so alive, so colorful, wonderful, fresh-air-beautiful,

and I'm sorry that the last thing you knew was

nothing but impact.

You probably were lovely.

You probably were beautiful.

You probably had your daddy's blue eyes

and your momma's fire-engine-red spirit.

Are things like "spirit" already encoded

in beings at your stage of development?

We couldn't have given you much,

and things would have gotten very dificult

in a lot of ways,

but we could have loved you.

Or at least loved you enough to make sure

you'd always be loved by someone.

We gambled,

we lost.

But we might have won, in a way.

You probably were smart.

You probably would've had great taste in music.

You probably would have had a best friend

and fantastic hair.

Big, curly, blonde hair.

And a smile that could light up a city.

We love you

even when you're not here anymore.

When worlds collided

in a cosmic crash.

And in the dark, smoky settling

of the glass and debris

you were lost.

Could I just be you tonight?

Up Up And Away

2009-11-11T08:22:00.000-08:00

i think it turned ten o'clock but i don't really know
then i can't remember caring for an hour or so
started crying and i couldn't stop myself
i started running but there's no where to run to
i sat down on the street and took a look at myself
said where you going man you know the world is headed for hell
say your goodbyes if you've got someone you can say goodbye to

i believe the world is burning to the ground
oh well i guess we're gonna find out
let's see how far we've come

How long till we're confronted
with how far we've come?

This is more than a story of
The end of the world.
It's a story of hanging on,
of being terrified,
and then

letting go.

Because letting go is the only way to move forward.

It's a story of people whose loved ones
have died.

Of love that's broken up.

Of kids whose best friends have
gone to college,

the army,

across the country,

out of our lives.

And all of these things
are the end of the world
for someone.
The end of one
specific
someone's world.

And they've gotta pick up.
And they've gotta move on.
And they've gotta find out
just how far they've come.

Impact.

2009-11-05T18:48:00.000-08:00

yes, i believe in love,

yes, i'm a dreamer.

but i'm not alone.

there are more of us than you suspect,

and we've got bombs.

bombs of truth and beauty.

Living On Hold.

2009-11-05T18:46:00.000-08:00

there's more to this story.

but i don't feel like telling it right now.

HIATUS.

new subject.

Eff it. Nuke it. Start over.

Life In The Living Room III

2009-11-05T10:50:00.000-08:00

The concert.

It was in Cleveland.

Three hours there, three hours back.

45 dollars for ticket and gas that I'll never see again.

All totally worth it.

I fell in love

with music I'd barely given a passing glance.

I made friends

and played the "A, my name is Amy" game

with the people near us in line.

I stood up against the stage, right in the deathwall

and got touched by the lead singer.

Who didn't have pants.

I stumbled out of that place

bruised from my face to my feet,

dehydrated, soaked with sweat, exhausted,

and so so so so happy.

Alive.

Life In The Living Room II

2009-11-05T10:42:00.001-08:00

It started with a decision to say Yes.

A friend and I were hanging out.

It was about seven and we were in Greensburg

when he asked "Wanna go make our mono-ridden friend soup?"

Our mono-ridden friend lives in Latrobe, so by the time we would get there,

make soup, socialize and get back it would be late-ish.

I started to say no, like the responsible adult type thing I am,

then thought

"Why not?"

(famous last words?)
(or famous first words?)

We went, listened to loud music and on the way there
stopped in a parking lot to dance.
I so easily could have missed the entire thing.
So when he asked if I would go to a concert with him the following week,
I said

yes.

Life In the Living Room.

2009-11-05T10:31:00.000-08:00

I feel like I'm seeing things again.

Not that my life has been bad lately.

It's been quite copacetic.

Mike and I are rather happy, school is going well, my job's a breeze, family's been chill, I'm making new friends and reconnecting with old ones.

Yeah, life is good.

But I haven't been living. Just existing.

Existing well, but still.

There's more.

Philosophy At Its Finest

2009-11-05T10:20:00.000-08:00

"If a tree falls in the middle of the woods, and there are six stoners there to hear it, does it make a noise?"

"It'd better, 'cause I just heard something."

The Little Boy Who'd Argue With A Tree

2009-10-06T09:32:00.000-07:00

its a blue october day. i have music boiling inside of my veins. i have art clouding my thoughts. i have creativity waiting to explode out of me in every direction and i'm not sure how to channel it at the moment. i could draw, but i feel like that wouldn't be powerful enough. i don't have the words to write it out. i wish i was a better piano player. i wish i had an audience that i could get up in front of with a microphone. i haven't sung in public in a long time. i don't think i ever realized how much i depended on that rush. its not the attention. its the feeling that your voice is buildingbuildingbuilding from your core, down to your toes and in one huge wave, is suddenly washing through your entire body and out into the room. there's only one feeling i've ever experienced that would be comparable to it, but we shan't go there. i want to sing on a stage again. or with a band again. then again, today i think i'll settle for curling up on a couch with a good friend, listening to good music, writing decent half-songs and watching decent half-movies. it's that kind of blue october day.

Six On One. Half Dozen On The Other.

2009-10-05T09:26:00.000-07:00

Don't think of it as

unraveling.

Think of it as

untangling.

I'll Stand.

2009-10-05T09:16:00.000-07:00

It's a beautiful day outside.Blue skies.Fall breeze.Green,red,orange,brown leaves.

I'm gonna go driving. No destination. I'll be back Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday Monday.

Burn candles. Dream. Hold.

Hold me, hold her or him or whoever it is you've pledged to hold.
I'm kind of battling with myself anymore. Determined to not be a hypocrite (that which I detest so much) I pulled away, unwilling to give up what I had found in him. But now I'm not so sure. I still don't want to give up what I've found, but I miss the guidance and purpose that place used to give me. Can I have both? Do I have to give up one for the other? I know the answer is yes. I can't full-heartedly put my soul into both.
I only have one soul.
I don't want to waste it.

Live Harder

2009-10-05T09:06:00.000-07:00

you'd think the death of someone in my life
would make me want to hide
or be careful.
or at least feel a little less invincible.
if you thought this, you'd be wrong.
YOU'RE ALL WRONG
it makes me
it makes me want to drive 70 miles per hour
down back farm roads,
listening to bad pop music
and great rock music
with no discretion.
peripheral death makes me reckless.
it makes me.

Finally Morally Devastating

2009-09-15T19:31:00.000-07:00

I'm listening to really sappy music, talking to a friend about dealing with death and I just finished The Reader, which ended up being the first book to make me cry in a long time. I started it this morning and, between classes and free time after school I finished it. I couldn't bear to put it down and when I had finished, I closed it with a sense of...closure, I suppose. Imagine that. I walked away from it stunned, and with a new perspective on love, ethics, innocence, desire, history, decisions, coping and reading itself. It's been a while since I found a book like this. They come through a person's life so rarely, so that when one does, I cling to it with all my soul. One of those books that you know will stick with you long after you've read it. The kind that, on a rainy day that's perfect for reading, when you don't quite have the drive to start a new book, you can always pick back up and jump back into.

My favorite kind.

Last Wish

2009-09-13T19:27:00.000-07:00

I'm dying. Please wear your sexy jeans to my funeral.

Self Destruct. Now.

2009-09-09T20:39:00.000-07:00

feeling like a bad personnever meant to hurt youthought we were okay, apparently notcan't we just go back?i miss the friends we wereplease don't hate mei'll never forget youi'm sorry that i loved you.

New Favorite Photographer

2009-09-07T20:31:00.000-07:00

Max Wanger is my new favorite photographer. His photos are stunning. Especially his portraits and things. You should all check him out.

Now.

here-> http://www.maxwanger.com/

or here-> http://www.maxwangerblog.com/