So This Is Friendship

You should come drink champagne and whiskey with me.

Where?

My place. Come in your pj's. We'll get buzzed and watch daytime television.

Gimme an hour.

Forget What You'll Never Remember

Lalalala.

There are things a person shouldn't do.

I've done them.

No regrets, right?

You have no idea.

I've never felt more alive.

I'm sorry, baby, please don't hate me.

Zepellin The Christmas Rat

I'm getting a pet rat today. She's black and adorable and I'm gonna name her Zepellin. Which i think is the cutest rat name ever. Maybe I'll get her a harness and take her for walks. I'm not sure yet.

I'm currently fitting back into a pair of jeans from eighth grade. And they look better now than they did then. This event pleases me in about four different ways.

But, back to Zepellin. I'm really excited, cause for a really long time now I've wanted something to take care of all on my own, something that was completely dependent on me. And, no, boyfriends don't count. Hahaha. So I'm getting this little creature that will depend solely on me. And possibly ride around on my shoulder. I'm so okay with this.

Christmas is like two days away. Two days! I love Christmas. I love all holidays. They offer you a chance to be something you don't get to be the rest of the year. Like, at Halloween you get to feel like a kid again, dress up like someone (or something) you're not and eat a ton of candy. At Christmas you get to have your house covered in wrapping paper, your bank account exhausted and your dress size go up. All totally worth it.

My dog Cosmo is a boxer-great dane mix. He's huge. His head is twice the size of my new little pet. I hope he likes her. And doesn't eat her. Other rat owners compare the experience to that of owning a very small dog. We'll see.

Hyperventilation

This is so bad. I can't breathe at all. I can't. I can't even think straight. I can't do this.

Begging For Another Chance At It All

I miss that family so much. I miss dodgeball. I miss the youth musical. The old days, when me, Cara, Abby, Laura and matt Claney were the only kids from our grade that went. Sitting in Tim Hunt's basement every Thursday night with Tim, Mark, Jeff Morris, Bryan, and sometimes one or two others, and then, later, in the corner of the L couch every Tuesday night with fifteen, twenty, twenty-five people. Surrounded by a group I trusted completely. People who knew more about me than I did. I miss walking into the building and having eight different friends run toward me, arms outstretched, wanting a hug and to hear/tell the latest. Holding a friend, sobbing into their hair and them not minding. Mostly because they were sobbing onto my shirt. Playing piano and singing with Kayla. Taking dumb pictures with Katie and the awkward way we hugged because we're the same height. Topics class, the lock in, ASP, Guitar Hero, handprints, graffiti boards, holding hands, under the stairs confession sessions, stretching my arms out, up to the sky, singing my heart out, my soul about burst. He is jealous for me. He loves like a hurricane, I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy. Mark playing Jason Mraz songs, Mark teaching me how to look into the emotion of the Truth, Mark with his t-shirts and jeans and converse and Bible and guitar. Singing on the worship team. Skipping Sunday school but attending youth group devotedly. And I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned in awe of the one who gave it all. I'll stand, my soul, Lord, to you surrendered. All I am is yours. Sitting in the choir room, causing a ruckus for Bill, then Jean. I like to think they loved us anyway. Skipping youth once or twice, cause someone just needs to talk. That morning that Bree pulled me out of church to go vent in Mark's office. Sneaking back into the church at 11pm with PM, Cara, Seth, Christian and Kaitlin to cover the floor in verses. Kaitlin brought caffeinated beverages. Dance parties, King's Fest, Bryan Joseph, Bethany, Courtney, Jen, Alex, Matt, Cate, Laura, Lorris, Abby, Zaq, Claneys, Ande, Tim, Bree, Amber, Chelsea, Alec, Katie, Theresa, Katti, Natalie, Ange everybody who was a constant part of my life. Everyone that i haven't seen or talked to in months. CrabCrabCrab. That musical where we got Bill to dress up like a sheep. Every retreat we ever had and the absolutely stunning memories that I have from them. Running through the aisles at the concert, a chain of hundreds. Prayer labyrinths. And realising that God might just have a Southern accent. Broken Yoke, Harlend, Through A Glass, Casting Crowns (Katie Brown, do you remember that summer we spent listening to Casting Crowns and decorating the graffiti boards?), Hawk Nelson, Third Day, Family Force Five, Relient K, David Crowder, TobyMac. I miss it all.

To Hide

We all hold on to "you love me, don't you?" desperations

in a nation where mediocrity's accepted

and insanity's rejected,

where women are weak and men are pathetic.

Put up your mask and never forget it

until it falls away and breaks down,

have a mental breakdown.

Stupidity is over now and cliches finally get drowned
in tears of mourning for our fate,

tears of fear and tears of hate.

It's all irrelevant, you see,

until you find out what makes them

me.

I Want To Be Your Goodnight.

There are days

when the only thing I want in the world

is to get through it

and still be holding your hand

when we're standing on the doorstep

and it's time to say goodnight.

A Timeline of the Fargone

8.42 pm Talked to Mike. He told me he'd text me when he got up so that I could get up to study.

8.53 pm Went to bed.

12.00 am Woke up to three texts from my drunk dad asking me why I wasn't home.

12.28 am Upon realising that I was home, he came in and threw a styrofoam container of pizza at me.

12.32 am Got up to drink half a carton of orange juice.

12.40 am Went back to bed.

8.36 am Mike texted me to wake me up.

11.24 am I woke up.

11.33 am I have five essays to write today and can't remember my password to get to the assignments on the website.

11.45 am Waiting for password to come through my e-mail

11.52 am Figured I'd do something productive in mean time. Blog, apparently.

12.32 pm Had to get my dad's car from the bar and drove halfway to Latrobe before realising I needed to be in Greensburg.

1.02 pm Still waiting for that password...

It's nights like last night that make nothing feel like a whole lotta something.

End Over End

Dreams are capturing my interest lately. I'm doing a project on them for my psychology class. AndI'mlearningthings.

Only 15% of the population dreams in color.

Dreams about sexual encounters are more likely to represent an area of your life that you're very invested in, rather than a person you're sexually interested in. For example: a sex dream about Evgeni Malkin most likely represents an extreme love and investment in hockey. There are, of course, exceptions to every rule...

Dreams involving nudity most likely mean that you feel vulnerable in that area of your life.

Dreams involving being chased often mean you're feeling guilty about something, while one where you're chasing something means that there's a certain goal you're trying to reach in some area of your life.

There are two theories of dreams. One is the Freudian theory which assumes that dreams are an individual's subconscious' way of trying to tell the conscious self an important piece of information. The other states that dreams are the mind's way of processing the events and

information that it experienced during the day.

Which do you believe?

Do you dream in colour? I do, usually, but sometimes I get a black and white or sepia one.

Do you remember your dreams? And, if so, what's the weirdest dream you've ever had?

I've started keeping track of mine on a second blog called Fractured/Subconscious at http://www.fracturedsubconscious.blogspot.com/

Consciously telling yourself that you'll remember your dreams before you go to bed actually increases your chances of remembering them.

The average person spends about six years of their lifetime dreaming. That's over 2100 days spent in a different world.

Blind people do dream. Whether visual images will appear in their dream depends on whether they where blind at birth or became blind later in life. But vision is not the only sense that constitutes a dream. Sounds, tactility, and smell become hypersensitive for the blind and their dreams are based on these senses.

Five minutes after the end of the dream, half the content is forgotten. After ten minutes, 90% is lost.

The word dream stems from the Middle English word, 'dreme' which means "joy" and "music".

Men tend to dream more about other men, while women dream equally about men and women.

Studies have shown that our brain waves are more active when we are dreaming than when we are awake.

Physiologically speaking, researchers found that during dreaming REM sleep, males experience erections and females experience increased vaginal blood flow - no matter what the content of the dream. In fact, "wet dreams" may not necessarily coincide with overtly sexual dream content.

People who are giving up smoking have longer and more intense dreams.

Toddlers do not dream about themselves. They don't appear in their own dreams until the age of 3 or 4.

A person cannot snore and dream at the same time.

Synesthetic Synthesizer

The double bass

this double bass

is pounding, thudding,

buddinginmymind.

And I need it,

and i need you,

you to

push through

my denial

into thatbestembrace.

Moving, moving together,

apart,together,apart.

And that double bass.

The push, the pull,

you can't stop,

but it's okay, because I can't get enough.

Waves and chills and shakes and trembles and fortes and pianos and this and that and you and me and give and take and more moremoremoremoremoremoremoremoremoremoremoremore moremoremoremoremoremoremoremoremoremoremoremoremoremoremoremoremoreOH MY GOD.

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again?

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.

do you have to ask?

The bass line resumes.

It shivers its way through me.

Like your words,your thoughts,your movements.

Like you.

Do This With Me?

I had a fortune cookie today.

The little scroll of paper

said simply:

Don't panic.

Impression

This morning I woke up wrapped tightly in my blanket
and freezing cold.
I instinctively looked to see
which way I should roll
to get back to you.
Imagine my surprise then,
when I found you weren't there.
I snuggled into the impression
you left in my sheets,
closed my eyes,
and drifted back to you.