To Be Reminded Of This

Radioactivity

(Radio Activity)

isn't always

a bad thing,

you know.

I Won't Give In To The Beginning Of The End, Again

I'm starting to wonder

whether anything is special at all.

Or is this whole thing

just a repetition of your past?

A self-fulfilling prophesy

that we've been weaving here,

between us.

Take away the sensation inside.

It's literally making me sick.

I can't breathe right.

I'm nauseous.

It's like a throbbing toothache of the mind.

I'm tired.

I just want someone to tell me

that its all gonna work itself out.

I just want someone to tell me

that I'm beautiful, that you love me,

that it'll never fall apart.

I just want someone to give me

a long kiss goodnight

and tell me

everything'll be all right,

tell me that I won't feel a thing,

And Give Me Novacaine

28

It's gonna sound rather silly,

and more than a little vain,

but sometimes I'm afraid

that it might be me you're talking about.

Funny thing is,

I'd be glad if you told me it wasn't about me.

I spend so much time wishing

I could be better for you.

Or something.

But I'm happy the way I am.

I just wish you could be, too

Kayla

When I think of

The Fabulous

MissLyla...
I think of ladybugs, and pandas,

4 am viewings of trippy movies and late night confession sessions.

I think of Rocky Horror and RENT,

and sketches and how he came over on Wednesday.

I think of playing dress-up in my closet and Beerfest

White pianos and dark red roses.

I think of how much I miss a different time and space,

where at 6am I would race to the computer

to search for new words,

and every Sunday was a dedication to

the most beautiful girl I know.

In every way.

I think of books, and poems, and stories,

and ramblings....

wordswordswordswordswordswordswords.

I believe that

The Fabulous MissLyla

may be made up entirely of words, actually.

Her words are stunning.

Have you heard them?

Have you seen the images she weaves so deftly,

using naught but the language

living and breathing inside of her,

poised for its release upon the world?

You should.

A splendid time is guaranteed for all who read

the words of

The Fabulous MissLyla.

She'll leave you breathless.

Miguelito

Mike and I aren't perfect.

(We get angry. We snap. We fight. We cry.)

But we're perfect in our imperfection.

(We're sorry. We apologize. We forgive. We make up.)

He's my best friend.

(That's why we work so well, I think.)

He was my best friend before he was anything else.

(He's still my best friend before anything else.)

We're rather different in a lot of ways.

(But where with other people differences would clash,

our differences compliment.)

What I lack, he makes up for.

(And vice versa.)

Even if we don't stay Together,

I'll never love him any less.

Just differently, I suppose.

I don't like thinking about that, though.

We're happpy together.

Why plan for anything else?

Ande

AndeAndeAndeAndeAndeAndeAnde.

Ande.

I'm sorry, my dear.

I know I've dropped off the face of the Earth.

And I miss you

sososososososososososososososo

very much.

I'm back, though, yes?

yes.

You write beautifully.

Sometimes I wish you would be less cryptic when you write.

Sometimes I want to know exactly what's going on in your head.

I always see you smiling.

Do you ever cry?

What makes you cry?

And what makes you feel better?

How do you keep your chin up?

What inspires you?

What disappoints you?

What is reality to you?

What do you think of me?

If you could be an animal, what would you be?

These are things I wonder when I think of you.

You make me think

BIG THOUGHTS.

Little Miss Kate

I wish...

I wish I could make things easier for you.

Everytime I give you a hug

I wish I could make your world a little brighter.

You're such a strange, lovely, little creature.

Where have you been hiding my whole life?

And why?

Don't hide, please.

You have far too much to say.

And it's all far too interesting to go unsaid.

My adopted little sister, ich liebe Sie

Blaine

We're a lot alike, aren't we?

Sometimes too much alike.

Probably why we get along swimmingly much of the time

and want to kill each other the other times.

I messed up. Bad.

I'm still so sorry for that.

I'm a lot more spineless than I like to let on,

and gave you a perfect example of that.

Things are going well though.

You intrigue me.

I'd love to sit around and pick your brain.

("Pick your brain" is such a creepy phrase. I don't actually want to pick around in your brain. But you know what I mean)

Making cleavage pins, and completely meaningless goofing around, and talking about life

with you.

Its never a bad time.

I probably whine too much to you.

Sorry.

You're kinda my go-to girl.

Because Kate would be awkward as a go-to girl.

Nothing against Kate.

Just against sharing with Kate what I share with you.

Understandably, I think.

You're one of my best friends. Hope you know that.

If you didn't before, you do now, I guess.

I hope you knew it anyway, though.

A Series...

I want to do a series of posts on people that mean a lot to me. So I'm gonna. 'Tis my blog after all. Here goes...

Updates Para Mis Amigos

So. I just started posting again.

(As you may have noted.)

And I've changed a lot since I last regularly wrote.

(Four months will do that to you.)

I feel like I owe an eplanation to my dear co-bloggers.

(My dear friends)

I'm not gonna be cryptic

(or particularly poetic)

with this.

Just sharing.

In April, I moved out of my mom's house to live with my dad.

(It didn't go over well)

It was kind of out of the blue and hurt more people than I anticpated.

(But it was something I had to do)

I didn't adapt very well at first

(as MIKE can attest),

but its gotten better.

I feel like I have a home now. Like I fit in with the people I live with

(my dad, his girlfriend, CHRISTINE and her daughter, DEANNA).

We have a beautiful, retarded lab-dalmation mix puppy

(she's got one brown eye and one blue eye),

named LUNA,

a sweet little gray kitty named MERLIN,

and an adorable tortoise named TIZA.

And last night my dad called me to tell me that there

would be a new addition to the family when I got home.

We got a new puppy.

A little boxer, mutt thing that we named COSMO.

(he's got one blue eye and one brown eye)

We got him from the pound and I love him.

I miss the rest of my family a lot.

(MOMMY, DADDY, SHELBY, BUFFY, GABBY)

I'm gonna make an effort to see them more.

I really do love them.

I haven't been to church in months.

(I feel horrible about this)

But with MARK gone, and so many new people, I hardly feel connected there any more.

(I'm gonna start back up at St. Vincent's this fall.)

Anyway. I'm different than I was. Different than the person most of you know/knew.

(But hopefully not unrecognizable...)

I'm less idealistic these days.

But more optimistic.

I no longer fight with myself for world peace every day.

(It probably will never happen.)

But I can make peace in and with my own life

and hopefully help other people do the same along the way.

My Baby...

...has a habit of pressuring me into doing things that I'm not always comfortable with...

(did you finish your homework?please don't go to that party tonight.sweetheart, please don't smoke that.don't put yourself down like that, i hate it.don't let them treat you like that.)

...and I love him very much for it.

You're Already a Voice Inside My Head

Hello there, the angel from my nightmare...

the unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley

we can live like Jack and Sally if we want...

I have no reason to love this song as much as I do. I have no reason for it to remind me of two friends of mine who I haven't even seen in months. But I do, and it does. Those lines especially. I wish they could've made it. I even think that if they'd met at a different time, they might have. But they didn't, so they broke up. It makes me sad. Sad, because I don't have a better word for it. It's a simple emotion. Not quite primal...but instinctive. Childlike. They made each other happy. And now they can't be together. Its sad.

There's always the future though.

Reconstruction

I've unburned my bridges with a lot of people.

It's such a relief.

Remind me never to play with fire again.