What are you waiting for? Say goodbye to my heart tonight.

You can call now if you want/can.

Can we text? I'm at home.

Sure.

I feel bad like we may have just ruined our friendship.

I hope not. I know this isn't a big deal in the big picture.

I just wanna know that we're okay.

Yeah, I guess. I mean.

We were stupid and all

but it stopped early so,

y'know.

I agree. And I truly appreciate your

friendship and company.

I know that we can be

smarter going forward,
maintaining boundaries.

I feel like any notion of this being spoken to

anyone could ruin both of our lives.

Agreed?

Yeah, don't tell anyone.

Even if there was chemistry this

couldn't happen and we both know it.

I'm not a slut or something.

I've never thought that and I don't think that.

And I'm not like that either.

I won't tell and I hope you won't either

because it would ruin my marriage, job

and devastate my kids.

Ugh. I'm sorry.

Okay.

Good =) I'm thinking we should

delete this text convo.

Cool?

******************************************

If I ask you a question will you

give me an honest answer?

Yes. What do you want to ask?

How far would things have gone

had I not stopped them?

I don't think it would've gone any further.

I didn't have a plan, per se.

But I could've gotten caught up in it pretty easily.

I don't know. It just happened.

I'd like for you to answer the same question

please.

I would like to hear your opinion.

Well, I stopped the whole thing,

so obviously that's all the

farther I would have gone, right?

Sorry. I didn't think of it like that.

But I can assure you that it wasn't premeditated.

It just happened.

That's what leads me to believe that it would've

stopped there regardless.

May I know what made you ask?

I dunno. Just overanalyzing, I guess.

I mean, you didn't tell her that you were with me

and you were going to make me hide from her.

I felt like a dirty mistress or something.

I panicked in the moment,

that's why I asked you to go upstairs.

She wasn't upset that you were there.

She didn't know you were there
because we hadn't spoken prior to your coming.

I'm truly sorry. I didn't mean for it to happen.

And I didn't mean to make you feel that way.

It was all a big accident.

Have your feelings about it changed since last night?

Mine haven't. I just grieve any

damage done to our frendship.

Please answer me.

Not really, I've just been thinking about it a lot

and the more I think about it the more

confused I get.

I understand. I'm sorry.

I have no explanation for any of this to assist you.

It happened and then I freaked.

There's no meaning or insight into any of it.

What followed it was a product of the

freaking out.

Hey I feel like this should all be

deleted as well.

Do you agree?

I'm sorry. I feel like a total failure.

Please forgive me.

No it's fine- I'll erase it, don't worry.

I dunno.

Do we need to talk about this more or

just forget it?

I don't need to talk about it.

But I will if you feel it's necessary.

Do you?

Nah, I'm good.

So where does this leave us?

Great friends with a better

understanding of each other.

Agree or disagree?

Yeah, sure.

You say SORRY too often.

Okay. So. WHERE to even begin.

I get angry hearing about people like you

second hand, third hand, in the paper, movies, books.

It's people like you that are the reason

that parents keep getting more worried

and wives more doubtful with every passing day.

People like you make me sick.

And the fact that you somehow tricked me

into letting you THIS CLOSE to me,

the fact that you made me trust you

and then turned out to be a complete creep?

I am so angry.

Maybe with myself a little for not seeing it.

But mostly I have no trouble placing blame where it belongs.

You're an insecure, ridiculous, immature person.

You don't get satisfaction at home so you try to find it elsewhere.

Try to make me feel responsible for giving it to you.

THATS NOT MY JOB.

You are much older than me.

When I was still a child you were an adult.

So act like one.

I shouldn't be the one who has to push you away.

I shouldn't have to be the one to say no.

You say, In another world.

You say, In a past life.

You say, Slippery slope,

chemistry, I love knowing that there's

nothing going through your mind right now,

I haven't felt this way since the last time I saw you.

I say, Felt what way?

You say, Connected to another person.

You play with my hair, touch my arm,

laugh at my jokes and quirks.

You play just because you know you can.

Make me feel pretty, wanted and uncomfortable.

You press closer than ever before

And when I push you away you look sad

before you apologize,

and I know you're not sorry you did it, but sorry that

I said, No.

She appears unexpectedly and you say, Hide.

You say, Wait no, pretend to borrow something.

You say, Lie to cover my CHEATING ASS.

I hate you for making me that girl.

Y'know, the OTHER one.

It's All Happening

I'm so content. I have a tough job with a lot of new friends and an easy job with little to no socialization. I'm thinking about picking up a bunch of certifications so that wherever I am I'll be able to get a decent job. Bar tending is first on the list, cos, well, it's interesting and bar tenders make kick ass money. Second, I think is massage therapy. (I'm really good with my hands.) After that I'm not sure, maybe I'll pick up an in-home care certification or a sonogram tech program and probably some typing/filing courses to make myself more hireable in office assistant positions.

Mike is starting to look seriously at grad schools which is terribly exciting. I hope he gets in somewhere beautiful; Oregon or Colorado or California. Okay, maybe not California. Living there is very expensive. I have a friend who used to live there and she told me that an efficiency in the San Fransisco area would cost around $2000/month. Also, apparently school funding out there got cut outrageously, so higher education isn't all it could be elsewhere. (There's a lot to consider here.) Only one thing is sure right now: wherever Mike goes I'll be going with him.

So here's a scary thought. I know we're young and all, but after two years it's only natural for a couple to start talking about marriage. I mean, my mom and dad met and got married after 5 months. Okay, so that one didn't really work out (they split when I was 11 months old) but here's the humdinger: she married my stepfather after just 3 months of knowing him and they've been together for, like, 17 years (and are happy as ever). That in mind, I firmly believe that when you know, you know. And I also firmly believe that I definitely know when it comes to Mike. All that being said, we've talked about it and "assuming we're still together" (a phrase one must use to avoid jinxing a relationship) we want to get married the summer after his senior year, before we move away and all of our friends scatter to the ends of the earth to settle where they will. But weddings generally take a while to plan ( like a year) which, and here's where things get freaky, means we'd have to get engaged somewhere between the end of his junior year/beginning of senior year (that's...really soon). The whole thing isn't scary to me personally (Mike and I are amazing together/compliment each other/are in love/have no doubts about wanting to be with each other), but it's a tiny bit frightening from a social standpoint. What will our families think? (Well, I know what HIS family will think. His parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins all think he's wasting his time with me and that it's only a matter of time until he comes to his senses and dumps me) What will our friends think? (Honestly, they've probably been waiting for the news since senior year) Is it wise to get married when he's about to jump into grad school and a whole new world of debt? Are we too young? WILL HE EVEN LIKE THE WAY I WANT TO DECORATE THE HOUSE? (of course he will, I have impeccable taste!)

Okay, I'm actually not worrying at all, I'm mostly just bull shitting. If it's meant to happen it will, and plus there will always be another reason to not do something. What you have to remember at the end of the day is that there are still a million and a half reasons you should.

Maybe Life's Not For Everyone

This blog just seems to remind me of everything I don't have anymore.

Everlasting Friend

It's 3.15 and I can't wash your words away. One of the first times you had really spoken to me in months and the last time I can remember you honestly looking at me. You've been ground down to a sham of what you were. We danced: each others' partners, but nowhere near each other. Revolving around our common vices and our common friends until eventually we collide, hard and raw and pushing the boundaries between mean and friendly; violence and want; what we are and what we were. The way you talked to me, the way you looked at me, the way you left finger shaped bruises on my arms, my hips, my shoulders. Not sure whether you held on so tight because you wanted to leave a mark or because you didn't want to leave at all.

I swear to God, I didn't mind.

It's not so difficult, the world is not so difficult

And you don't recognize the people who never left your side
the ones who loved you unconditionally
knew you were a jackass
but knew you were also good, sweet, a hopeless romantic, a talented artist
and someone who would do anything for a friend
who laughed with you and gave you space when you needed it
and held you when you didn't know you needed it
who answered your calls and texts at 12, 3.30. 5 am
humored your antics and bad grammar and self destructive tendencies
because they were just something you had to get through
and were always ready to pick up your pieces when you couldn't.
And we're the ones you've left behind so willingly.

A Slow Strangle With Your Feet On The Floor

I know you probably don't care about me one way or another

anymore

But I was thinking about you tonight.

And the thing is, I miss you. A lot.

You open your eyes, but I'll keep mine closed

This isn't what I wanted.
And it's not the way I ever wanted it.

Come all the way down with me

out behind the backstop
i smoke the stars into place.
then i continue until
they begin making sense.

call it coping.
call it destructive.
but i've already spent
a beautiful day of missing you.

Counting Down The Hours

Lying in the outfield,
watching white clouds float across a sky so blue that it could
change the color of your eyes.


Y'know how we talked about the ocean?
Well this is another one of those instances
that I don't want to wash out of my hair just yet.

The pitcher puts religion first and rests on holidays

The number 108 can be found countless places in and out of daily life. Hindu prayer beads, called Malas consist of 1o8 beads, certain martial arts practices teach that there are 108 pressure points on the human body and there are 108 stitches on a baseball. Perhaps holiness may be found wherever an individual chooses to look for it. Whether in prayer or in a vulnerable place on even the strongest or most flawless of bodies. Or even in the curveball of a talented young pitcher, stretching his limbs against a field of green to let fly a unreal throw that baffles batters and catches even a less-than-trained eye.

*******************************

Hindu deities have 108 names.

In Tibetan Buddhism it is believed that there are 108 sins. In Japan, at the end of the year a bell is chimed 108 times to welcome the new year. Each ring represents an earthly temptation that a person must overcome to reach nirvana.

Zen priests wear juzu (a string of prayer beads) around their wrist that have 108 beads.

The sum of The Numbers in LOST (4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42) is 108. 108 is also the number of minutes within which the numbers must be entered into the computer. And the number of days Oceanic 6 spent on the island.

108 is the sum of nine adjacent numbers.
8+9+10+11+12+13+14+15+16=108

In Homer's Odyssey there were 108 suitors coveting Penelope, wife of Odysseus.

The distance between the Earth and the moon is 108 times the diameter of the moon.

The distance between the Earth and the Sun is 108 times the diameter of the Sun.

San Francisco's calling us, the Giants and Mets will play

Also, aside from learning the basics,
watching you watch the game
was more interesting than watching the game itself.
It made me want to be able to experience it
the same way you do.