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don't throw the boiling water

it'll just make the situation worse

throw the box

that the linguine came in

instead

better yet, just go with it

don't protest

(a lesson it's taken me years to fully grasp)

and we can avoid all this throwing business

altogether

except perhaps throwing up

because here we go again:

air supply, reo speedwagon

don't stop believing

and some song i've never heard before

learn it anyway

and smile broadly

knowing all the while

it could very well be the last

i know why the caged bird sings

the one thing you really want

is the only thing you can't have

the only thing you shouldn't have

the only thing you're too afraid

to get for yourself

Love always, T

you're so pretty when you're confused. wrinkle between eyebrows and dancing light in pooling pupils. pretty when you're in pain, too. like a sad little raggedy anne&andy doll. but i don't like hurting you. everyone knows i'm a masochist, not a sadist. besides, you hurt yourself enough that i never have to. do you know you hurt me when you hurt yourself? do you? you do. i don't feel the need to hurt myself now;;being with you is enough. no, no, don't cry. it's not so bad. i'm a masochist, remember? always hunting down the thing that, in the end, will hurt me the worst. i don't deserve any better than the worst. i had "better" once. i had "better" and i broke "better" and now "better" is no better than me--a human-shaped depression in the air where he once stood. a depressed human shape filled with air. or something. it's all so difficult to keep straight. the point is, i can't be trusted with pretty shiny toys that say 'i love you' back to me and mean it; i'll only break them. so instead i let myself be broken, over and over again. because being broken is so much better than living with the guilt of being the one who's doing the breaking. but we need a happy ending here, my silly brain says. life isn't bad at all. you do love me, my dear little doll, and i adore you as well. you've promised me no more hurting yourself and i've pledged to give up the masochism to save you. you're good for me and maybe, for once, i can be good for you, too. like a photo on a beach-the waves the sand, the smiles, perhaps even a pretty frame to hang it on the wall- it's all coming together.

i am seeing in this moment, as if by the light of a match, a glimpse of my life and having it feel right.

this will linger.

Parenthetical Asides

it's like a three day cycle

where yesterday's yesterday

is tomorrow's today

(it makes sense; ponder it for a moment)

and all that jazz

isn't all that jazzy anymore

but if it's a fool's hope

then i'm a fool

(then again, who isn't these days?)

i'm bought off with a kiss (once more)

and have read somewhere (again and again)

that dead cacti always make the best pets

that's what she tells me, anyway

(but i digress)

we can live through our lies

or lie through our pain

we can lie through our lives

or live through our pain

(which suits you best i wonder)

i'll probably never really know

because, in the end,

life is really nothing more than a

(parenthetical aside)

Proclamation

hello.

i think i'm in love with you.

...what's your name?

Venti Jesus, Please

watching as everyone around you sinks

not seeing you're going down yourself

in a world full of mommies and doctors and shrinks

put your worries back up on the shelf

Things

best friends and stress balls

heroin and alcohol

things to get high on

things to rely on

things you can cry on

in shame

What Have We Done This TIme?

Innocence lost

Never regained

Time out the window

Never the same

a little advice

spit out the ritalin

when mom turns her back

get out

and get down

and get

off track

The Quote

I've had a few people recently ask me about the title of my blog and the quote underneath it. For those of you who are too lazy to scroll on up and read it, it says, "When the mode of the music changes, the walls of the city shake." Plato said it. For those of you who aren't aware, Plato was a Greek philosppher who chilled out with Socrates and Aristotle. He basically laid out the foundations of Western philosophy.

I first read this quote in a book called Passion is a Fashion. It's a biography of The Clash. For those of you who don't know who The Clash is.....you know what, if you don't know who The Clash is we have bigger issues than a quote by Plato. Go get musically educated and then we'll talk. To everyone else: The Clash is one of my very favoritest bands in the world, not even just for their music, necessarily, but for the intensity and passion they displayed toward life and the issues they stood for. They truly changed things in their own right; changed whole crowds of people, one life at a time. They didn't stop because someone asked them to, they didn't sort of quietly state their opinions or slink around the walls when it came to world issues and they didn't play stupid, irrelevant music. The Clash meant something. They changed the mode of the music and they shook the walls of the city.

Here's where the quote and I become relevant. It's my dream to make a difference in the world. If I could do it through music I think my life would be complete. I want to change lives. I want to leave a lasting effect. I know I'm not gonna be here forever; my life is a fleeting moment, I am like the morning mist, gone before most people will even notice me. But if I can leave something behind, a legacy or even one changed life, then the fact that I won't last doesn't bother me so much. I wanna make the world a better place. I wanna right some wrong. I wanna rattle some people. I wanna change the mode of the music and make the walls of the city shake.

questioning

What happens when the tenses overlap?

Present meets future and I'm a mess

But neither makes me as anxious as the past

It's why they call it the "Past Tense," I guess

What happens when it's all been said before?

Repetition's getting old-just like the words

And the kids who said them

We've grown up together, are growing up together

And we're getting older

by the minute

Neverland

One of my best friends just moved half way across the country yesterday. Another one will move to Utah in less than two weeks. My best friend in the world is currently in Boston on her fourth college visit this summer. I'm entering my senior year of high school and haven't looked at a single school yet. I have no clue what I even want to do with my life and am incredibly intimidated by the thought that I'm going to have to figure it out in a fairly short amount of time.

It's moments like this that I find myself fearing change more than anything. I'm a generally forward moving person, but in this moment I'm clinging to as much of the past as I can. My heart aches at the distance currently sitting between my best friend and I. When I think that this could very well be the distance between us for years (forever?) after this final year of high school, my heart just flat out breaks.

I don't think I'm ready for this. Tip over the hour glass and tell me you're not ready either. Take my hand and play hide and seek with the future. I'll fly us to Neverland--they'll never find us there. I'll be your Wendy if you'll be my Peter; we can hang with the lost boys. We're all a little lost anyway, right?