The Great Game

Language is generous when it comes to tasks of the heart. Other organs have just one term for their functions. The kidney filters, the lung oxygenates and the stomach digests. But the hopeless romanticism of man has provided the heart with an endless litany of possibilities. And so a heart can gallop. A heart can beat, hammer, pump, drum, melt or sink. Or break. A heart can be burned out of someone. And that’s worse than death, that’s worse than boredom, that’s worse than sleep.

I must confess

my heart's in broken pieces and my head's a mess.

Subdued Music and Secluded Couches

In spite of the heat you and I sit pressed close, side by side, arms to wrists to hips to knees. I'm curled with my head on your shoulder, comfortable enough to get sleepy but happy enough to want to stay awake. You do something that surprises me. You plant a light kiss on my head before leaning to rest your head against mine. Maybe you think I have fallen asleep? Maybe I have, after all. We stay that way for a minute, maybe two. It's a small gesture, but one that speaks volumes. Later, when the music is louder and the lights brighter, I'll wonder if it really happened at all.

Hitch

You pull your cell phone out of your pocket
and your shirt rises slightly with the motion of your hand.
One glimpse of smooth skin and you have me reeling again.

I am not satisfied with the way this has turned out. I am not at peace with the idea that you will stride away from me, from all of us girls, our boyfriends, parents, best friends, sisters and brothers completely unscathed. The fact that you say you're improving doesn't change what you did, and you still deserve comeuppance. Those who put their trust in you should understand what kind of person they have been believing in.
I have not taken this all as gracefully as the other girls, perhaps because I have not had as much time to sweep it under my psychological rug as they have. Perhaps because your betrayal of me was physical, rather than just emotional. Maybe they're just better, more forgiving women than I am. But at the end of the day, half of this little town knows what kind of awful person you are and still no one is brave enough to stand next to me when I propose outing you to the public. And that is a sad and terrible truth. It crushes me that you've silenced the voices of some of the most wonderful young women I know. You don't deserve the good things in your life. The credit, the accolades, the affection. Besides that, I honestly feel like not saying anything at this point is cowardly and would be letting down everyone who has helped to sculpt me into who I am, not to mention putting other girls in danger of being in my exact position. WHEN SOMEONE IN A POSITION OF AUTHORITY IS BLATANTLY TAKING ADVANTAGE OF AND HURTING THE PEOPLE WHO TRUST HIM, HE SHOULD BE STOPPED. Shouldn't he? Doesn't anyone agree with me?

"To sin by silence when they should protest makes cowards out of men."
-Abraham Lincoln

Pavement

I am made of blue sky and hard rock and I will live this way forever.

I may be on a downer, I'm still ready to dream

The smell of your shampoo hangs

heavily on the steam filling the room

for a while after you've gotten out of the shower.

And I'm overcome by the knowledge that I'll

never

/not/be/in/love\with\you\

You took a white orchid, turned it blue

Green skies/Brown eyes
Funnel clouds/My thoughts are so
damn
Loud.
Mentor/Protector
Undercover/Lover

You trusted me so easily when you asked me not to ruin your life.
I guess you didn't really leave yourself a choice.
Backed yourself into a corner
pleaded control of my voice.

I liked your accent that you had trained yourself to hide
your tattoos, your sincerity, your honest passion.
Your knowledge, your easy smile, your pride.
The way you seemed like an honest to goodness real man.
A gentleman.

You liked that I made it all so simple.

It can be hard to be near you,

but it's always worse to be apart.

We'll never be you and me

and it breaks my heart.

But near and quiet

is better than far and silent.

Mirror in the sky, what is love?

I've been afraid of changing
cos I built my life around you.
But time makes you bolder
children get older.
I'm getting older, too.

Kuroi Kaiju

At the base of Mt. Fuji there is a Sea of Trees
that has long been associated with death.
In the distant past it was utilized in the practice of ubasute.
But since 1950 more than 500 people
have taken their own lives amongst those trees.
It's said that the forest is so dense that even at mid day
it isn't difficult to find areas completely shrouded in darkness.
Due to the density, which blocks wind flow, and an absence of wildlife,
Aokigahara exists in an eerie silence.

Experimental

I could be the leader, the voice, the pale hands wrapped around the microphone. I'll cradle it, singing love songs with you like I really mean them. Later you'll reek of the night, beer and smoke and musty stage light all over you. My name will crash between us like a plane shot out of the sky and I'll say something that tastes like "please." You and I will arrive at sunset and not leave until dawn, as though darkness itself were only a myth, disproved by modernity.

Legacy

I want people to tell their children
terrifying stories
about the things we did
for love.

You're just too good to be true

2 years

This Isn't Very Nice, but neither was she

Redone

When We Hear That Old Song We Will Dance

You're not any cooler than me

+and I love it+

You're not taller than me

+and I don't mind it+

You laugh easily and are wonderful to talk to

+and I embrace it+

Last night
I taught you how
to feel the ridges in your fingerprints
and in mine as well.

The rough little swirls that make you different from me.

The code that renders me separate.

{And/we/were/a/little/closer}

You marvelled at our hands

;; the tactility of it all;;

the backward and forward
of our little game.

You wanted to know the science of it
but I laughed gently, took your hand again,

told you: No.

Some people will tell you that when you can't go back

it means you have to travel forward.

But I believe that, sometimes, it's perfectly okay to just sit still

[[ and enjoy the moments between ]]

Don't You Know It's Gonna Last?

Whatever happened to the nights when I had a cigarette hanging off my lips, my hair flying in my face not so gracefully, when we would speed over the hills and through those winding roads with our feet not touching the ground and our hands clasped tight, just talking, just getting familiar with each other's faces. Blinking back tears because my stomach was cramping up, you have the greatest sense of humor. I really need you to tell me I'm going to come out of this okay. Will you be there when I'm glazed in fluorescent light, when my wires and veins sync? I am bleary eyes and heavy sighs and you are just everything I could want with your pretty eyes and friendly smiles. I am a bird in your hand.



I'm dancing in your living room. We are throwing our hands in the air, we are singing about falling in love, with glasses of red red wine and champagne, occassionally sloshing and making its way to the floor. We don't care if there is a hurricane outside, our cheeks are rosy and we are surrounded by wonderfully educated people. The night refused to end and I was fine. I sneak a smoke on the back porch with your sister and we discuss school, starfishes, the usual. I saw you hanging off the banister, swaying backward, I grabbed your hand and we somehow found ourselves downstairs. You backflipped over the couch and were stringing your sentences together much as I am now, speaking in tongues. Truthful tongues. You kept using your hands for emphasis at the wrong times, told me you loved me and we both laughed while you repeated that I was very beautiful, that I am sweet, that I should go hang out with your sister, that I'm smart and easy to talk to. About how lonely you are and your inferiority issues and how sometimes you want to kill yourself. It made me sad that I was the only one you could talk to like this. But proud, too. In the morning you looked completely different. Your shadows were gone, your face was pale, your voice was monotone and your words direct. It's fine, I said, because it really was just fine.

This is a lie. A best kept secret and I am okay with that.

Because if light were thrown on our shadows

I don't know what would become of us.

You wanna dance? Let's go dancing!

Can you sing me to sleep tonight? I miss you

I think we're having a heat wave.

Never mind the blistering winds, my cheeks were rosy.

I won't stop loving you.

All the things you are.

Give me your honest opinion...

How do you know I will?

I don't.

Portland Oregon and Sloe Gin Fizz

If that ain't love then tell me what is.

Last night's shivering and laughing

taught me that you're as crazy as I am.

I can't wait for more.

Next day we knew last night got drunk

but we loved enough for the both of us.

I caught a piece of the sunshine

You and I are not the polite people who live in poems.