On your knees or on your back

Do what you want, just say so.

No one's gonna care if we disappear.

The unique thing

is that I don't WANT

us to be "together"

I would never trust a word you said.

But as we are?

I love being with you.

I trust you implicitly.

Twist your lips into a kiss, Cross your heart

I dream about you.

Every. Single. Night.

Every one is different, though.

One night we have to figure out

what our situation means.

We kiss

and I wake up happy

The next night we go to college together.

My dad doesn't approve, but it doesn't matter

because you're leaving me for some Asian girl

who liked your crayon drawing

and offered to teach you French.

She was a bitch.

I kicked her in the shin.

I do it every time, you're killing me now

I don't want you to go OUT of my life

but it's becoming exhausting trying to keep you IN it.

A Quiet Mind

I think it's important to be with someone

who is comfortable with your vices.

It's even better when you share them.

The Script

Drinking old cheap bottles of wine,
sit talking up all night,
saying things we haven't said for a while.
We're smiling but we're close to tears.
Even after all these years
we just now got the feeling
that we're meeting for the first time

These times are hard, they're making us crazy.

When you're 45 minutes, 3 hours, 5 hours in
you stop all that acting;just start taking it in.
You have so much time to experience it all
and even if things get faster,
you know they won't get frantic.
You marvel, and you map, and you get lost in it,

and every once in a while,
you laugh together.

The Work Affair (1)

"CHIEF CEE-LO DEMANDS ASIAN WOMEN."

Here we are again. Feel the chemicals kicking in.

The kids are disco dancing.

They're tired of rock and roll.

There's no use telling them that drum machine

ain't got no soul.

Did you hear what they said?

That rock and roll is dead?

Yeah, it's like a zombie,

it'll dig itself back up again.

We can't rewind now, we've gone too far

As far as karma goes, $140 is a small price to pay.

I still think the fines should have been equal, though.

I forgot to say out loud...

Can't you tell that this is all just a contest?

The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest.

But baby I don't mean it.

I promise.

Warning

There are a lot of us now. I wouldn't make a move if I were you.

What are you waiting for? Say goodbye to my heart tonight.

You can call now if you want/can.

Can we text? I'm at home.

Sure.

I feel bad like we may have just ruined our friendship.

I hope not. I know this isn't a big deal in the big picture.

I just wanna know that we're okay.

Yeah, I guess. I mean.

We were stupid and all

but it stopped early so,

y'know.

I agree. And I truly appreciate your

friendship and company.

I know that we can be

smarter going forward,
maintaining boundaries.

I feel like any notion of this being spoken to

anyone could ruin both of our lives.

Agreed?

Yeah, don't tell anyone.

Even if there was chemistry this

couldn't happen and we both know it.

I'm not a slut or something.

I've never thought that and I don't think that.

And I'm not like that either.

I won't tell and I hope you won't either

because it would ruin my marriage, job

and devastate my kids.

Ugh. I'm sorry.

Okay.

Good =) I'm thinking we should

delete this text convo.

Cool?

******************************************

If I ask you a question will you

give me an honest answer?

Yes. What do you want to ask?

How far would things have gone

had I not stopped them?

I don't think it would've gone any further.

I didn't have a plan, per se.

But I could've gotten caught up in it pretty easily.

I don't know. It just happened.

I'd like for you to answer the same question

please.

I would like to hear your opinion.

Well, I stopped the whole thing,

so obviously that's all the

farther I would have gone, right?

Sorry. I didn't think of it like that.

But I can assure you that it wasn't premeditated.

It just happened.

That's what leads me to believe that it would've

stopped there regardless.

May I know what made you ask?

I dunno. Just overanalyzing, I guess.

I mean, you didn't tell her that you were with me

and you were going to make me hide from her.

I felt like a dirty mistress or something.

I panicked in the moment,

that's why I asked you to go upstairs.

She wasn't upset that you were there.

She didn't know you were there
because we hadn't spoken prior to your coming.

I'm truly sorry. I didn't mean for it to happen.

And I didn't mean to make you feel that way.

It was all a big accident.

Have your feelings about it changed since last night?

Mine haven't. I just grieve any

damage done to our frendship.

Please answer me.

Not really, I've just been thinking about it a lot

and the more I think about it the more

confused I get.

I understand. I'm sorry.

I have no explanation for any of this to assist you.

It happened and then I freaked.

There's no meaning or insight into any of it.

What followed it was a product of the

freaking out.

Hey I feel like this should all be

deleted as well.

Do you agree?

I'm sorry. I feel like a total failure.

Please forgive me.

No it's fine- I'll erase it, don't worry.

I dunno.

Do we need to talk about this more or

just forget it?

I don't need to talk about it.

But I will if you feel it's necessary.

Do you?

Nah, I'm good.

So where does this leave us?

Great friends with a better

understanding of each other.

Agree or disagree?

Yeah, sure.

You say SORRY too often.

Okay. So. WHERE to even begin.

I get angry hearing about people like you

second hand, third hand, in the paper, movies, books.

It's people like you that are the reason

that parents keep getting more worried

and wives more doubtful with every passing day.

People like you make me sick.

And the fact that you somehow tricked me

into letting you THIS CLOSE to me,

the fact that you made me trust you

and then turned out to be a complete creep?

I am so angry.

Maybe with myself a little for not seeing it.

But mostly I have no trouble placing blame where it belongs.

You're an insecure, ridiculous, immature person.

You don't get satisfaction at home so you try to find it elsewhere.

Try to make me feel responsible for giving it to you.

THATS NOT MY JOB.

You are much older than me.

When I was still a child you were an adult.

So act like one.

I shouldn't be the one who has to push you away.

I shouldn't have to be the one to say no.

You say, In another world.

You say, In a past life.

You say, Slippery slope,

chemistry, I love knowing that there's

nothing going through your mind right now,

I haven't felt this way since the last time I saw you.

I say, Felt what way?

You say, Connected to another person.

You play with my hair, touch my arm,

laugh at my jokes and quirks.

You play just because you know you can.

Make me feel pretty, wanted and uncomfortable.

You press closer than ever before

And when I push you away you look sad

before you apologize,

and I know you're not sorry you did it, but sorry that

I said, No.

She appears unexpectedly and you say, Hide.

You say, Wait no, pretend to borrow something.

You say, Lie to cover my CHEATING ASS.

I hate you for making me that girl.

Y'know, the OTHER one.

It's All Happening

I'm so content. I have a tough job with a lot of new friends and an easy job with little to no socialization. I'm thinking about picking up a bunch of certifications so that wherever I am I'll be able to get a decent job. Bar tending is first on the list, cos, well, it's interesting and bar tenders make kick ass money. Second, I think is massage therapy. (I'm really good with my hands.) After that I'm not sure, maybe I'll pick up an in-home care certification or a sonogram tech program and probably some typing/filing courses to make myself more hireable in office assistant positions.

Mike is starting to look seriously at grad schools which is terribly exciting. I hope he gets in somewhere beautiful; Oregon or Colorado or California. Okay, maybe not California. Living there is very expensive. I have a friend who used to live there and she told me that an efficiency in the San Fransisco area would cost around $2000/month. Also, apparently school funding out there got cut outrageously, so higher education isn't all it could be elsewhere. (There's a lot to consider here.) Only one thing is sure right now: wherever Mike goes I'll be going with him.

So here's a scary thought. I know we're young and all, but after two years it's only natural for a couple to start talking about marriage. I mean, my mom and dad met and got married after 5 months. Okay, so that one didn't really work out (they split when I was 11 months old) but here's the humdinger: she married my stepfather after just 3 months of knowing him and they've been together for, like, 17 years (and are happy as ever). That in mind, I firmly believe that when you know, you know. And I also firmly believe that I definitely know when it comes to Mike. All that being said, we've talked about it and "assuming we're still together" (a phrase one must use to avoid jinxing a relationship) we want to get married the summer after his senior year, before we move away and all of our friends scatter to the ends of the earth to settle where they will. But weddings generally take a while to plan ( like a year) which, and here's where things get freaky, means we'd have to get engaged somewhere between the end of his junior year/beginning of senior year (that's...really soon). The whole thing isn't scary to me personally (Mike and I are amazing together/compliment each other/are in love/have no doubts about wanting to be with each other), but it's a tiny bit frightening from a social standpoint. What will our families think? (Well, I know what HIS family will think. His parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins all think he's wasting his time with me and that it's only a matter of time until he comes to his senses and dumps me) What will our friends think? (Honestly, they've probably been waiting for the news since senior year) Is it wise to get married when he's about to jump into grad school and a whole new world of debt? Are we too young? WILL HE EVEN LIKE THE WAY I WANT TO DECORATE THE HOUSE? (of course he will, I have impeccable taste!)

Okay, I'm actually not worrying at all, I'm mostly just bull shitting. If it's meant to happen it will, and plus there will always be another reason to not do something. What you have to remember at the end of the day is that there are still a million and a half reasons you should.

Maybe Life's Not For Everyone

This blog just seems to remind me of everything I don't have anymore.

Everlasting Friend

It's 3.15 and I can't wash your words away. One of the first times you had really spoken to me in months and the last time I can remember you honestly looking at me. You've been ground down to a sham of what you were. We danced: each others' partners, but nowhere near each other. Revolving around our common vices and our common friends until eventually we collide, hard and raw and pushing the boundaries between mean and friendly; violence and want; what we are and what we were. The way you talked to me, the way you looked at me, the way you left finger shaped bruises on my arms, my hips, my shoulders. Not sure whether you held on so tight because you wanted to leave a mark or because you didn't want to leave at all.

I swear to God, I didn't mind.

It's not so difficult, the world is not so difficult

And you don't recognize the people who never left your side
the ones who loved you unconditionally
knew you were a jackass
but knew you were also good, sweet, a hopeless romantic, a talented artist
and someone who would do anything for a friend
who laughed with you and gave you space when you needed it
and held you when you didn't know you needed it
who answered your calls and texts at 12, 3.30. 5 am
humored your antics and bad grammar and self destructive tendencies
because they were just something you had to get through
and were always ready to pick up your pieces when you couldn't.
And we're the ones you've left behind so willingly.

A Slow Strangle With Your Feet On The Floor

I know you probably don't care about me one way or another

anymore

But I was thinking about you tonight.

And the thing is, I miss you. A lot.

You open your eyes, but I'll keep mine closed

This isn't what I wanted.
And it's not the way I ever wanted it.

Come all the way down with me

out behind the backstop
i smoke the stars into place.
then i continue until
they begin making sense.

call it coping.
call it destructive.
but i've already spent
a beautiful day of missing you.

Counting Down The Hours

Lying in the outfield,
watching white clouds float across a sky so blue that it could
change the color of your eyes.


Y'know how we talked about the ocean?
Well this is another one of those instances
that I don't want to wash out of my hair just yet.

The pitcher puts religion first and rests on holidays

The number 108 can be found countless places in and out of daily life. Hindu prayer beads, called Malas consist of 1o8 beads, certain martial arts practices teach that there are 108 pressure points on the human body and there are 108 stitches on a baseball. Perhaps holiness may be found wherever an individual chooses to look for it. Whether in prayer or in a vulnerable place on even the strongest or most flawless of bodies. Or even in the curveball of a talented young pitcher, stretching his limbs against a field of green to let fly a unreal throw that baffles batters and catches even a less-than-trained eye.

*******************************

Hindu deities have 108 names.

In Tibetan Buddhism it is believed that there are 108 sins. In Japan, at the end of the year a bell is chimed 108 times to welcome the new year. Each ring represents an earthly temptation that a person must overcome to reach nirvana.

Zen priests wear juzu (a string of prayer beads) around their wrist that have 108 beads.

The sum of The Numbers in LOST (4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42) is 108. 108 is also the number of minutes within which the numbers must be entered into the computer. And the number of days Oceanic 6 spent on the island.

108 is the sum of nine adjacent numbers.
8+9+10+11+12+13+14+15+16=108

In Homer's Odyssey there were 108 suitors coveting Penelope, wife of Odysseus.

The distance between the Earth and the moon is 108 times the diameter of the moon.

The distance between the Earth and the Sun is 108 times the diameter of the Sun.

San Francisco's calling us, the Giants and Mets will play

Also, aside from learning the basics,
watching you watch the game
was more interesting than watching the game itself.
It made me want to be able to experience it
the same way you do.

We hung about the stadium, we've got no place to stay

Everything about this game brings out a different side to me.
A part that I forgot existed.
Going to a big field like we did makes me feel about nine years old
and in wonder of everything around me.

Lead Me On

Dear ***, ******, and ******

It makes me sad that you're not the person you used to be

that you chose the worst part of you to accentuate

and that we'll never have what we had.

Mainly, companionship, trust and unconditional love.

Respectively.

Regretfully,

********

Frustration.

I hurt.
Burn.
An itch I can't scratch.
We can't even get close to each other
because my nerves are too raw.

And that's just on the outside.

We were standing on the hood of your car, singing out loud

I love trying to describe the
smell of you.
It's always the same
but never constant.
It makes me feel full, heady

[Heady]
-adjective

1.intoxicating

2.affecting the mind or senses greatly

3.exciting; exhilarating

4.rashly impetuous

5.violent; destructive

6.clever; shrewd

Sitting in breezy, sunlit rooms I press a t-shirt of yours to my face.
Inhale.
I hold it in my lungs as long as I can
like I'm willing it into my airstream,
my veins.
[Keeping you there like a high.]
But even I know that highs
aren't something you can hold onto from day to day.
Each one is unique- somehow unlike any other you've had before.
Like every time we're together.

Sweet smoke.
Deoderant.
Menthol.
Summer.
The soap you use and the woods early in the morning.
Like it might need washed,
but not in a bad way.
Just tired.
Your vices lingering on the hems
and your ache for a life larger than you in the threads.

Take A Ride: While we still have time

If you only once would let me,
only just one time
and be happy with the consequence
of whatever's gonna happen tonight.
Don't think we're not serious.
When's it ever not?
The love we make, it's give and it's take;
I'm game to play along.

It was foolish of me
to think that things
wouldn't be at least a little different
afterward,
wasn't it?
Wrists and hands
and being so conscious of breathing.
For some reason I supposed
lives would just go on the same way
they always have before.
Cool, marble counters.
I can't stop wondering
if you've thought about it
as much as I have.
Warm, dizzy thoughts.
I don't regret a thing.
Regrets are a waste of time.
Plus, why bother regretting something
that you enjoyed doing?

Everybody's been there and I don't mean on vacation

Silliest weekend ever.
Friday, Kate came over and we hung out all day. It was a lot of fun.
Ponyo loves ham.
In case you weren't aware.
Then we walked around Greensburg until we ended up at the Rialto Cafe.
This adorable little Italian place.
Mike met up with us and after we ate we went back to my house for a while longer.

The next morning I woke up with what appeared to be a pretty nasty bug bite on the inside of my forearm. The bump was pretty big and there was a clearly defined red circle about an inch in diameter around it.
I rubbed so stuff on it to make the swelling go down and took a Benedryl, assuming it would be gone within a couple of days.
The next day the bump was bigger, the circle had expanded to two inches wide and it was incredibly sore if I accidentally bumped it or touched the surrounding area. I was going to let it go for one more day to see if it got better and then go to the doctor, but throughout the day it just got worse. So at 12 last night Mike and I packed into the car and went to the Emergency Room, where we were seen at 3.3o am.

Now. I understand there were probably people in that place who had much worse than a bug bite and therefore needed medical attention more drastically than me, but c'mon, three and a half hours?
We were moved to two different rooms. The second one was cozier. A cozy as a hospital room can be, I guess. I don't know, I like hospitals. I feel safe there. They'll take care of me. We turned most of the lights off and I curled up in the bed and Mike sat in a chair next to me and held my hand while I dozed. I was tired and kept saying, "They didn't put an IV in me, I'm not staying the night. I'm not staying." Because I really wanted to believe that this was just a simple little doctor visit to get a shot and a prescription and go home.
It didn't really work out that way.
The doctor finally came in and poked and prodded and looked concerned. He was nice and told me that whatever it had started out as, the "bug bite" had progressed to the beginning stages of MRSA. He came back with a tray of shiny tools and explained what he was going to do.
He was going to shoot the area full of novacaine and then open it up to get all the bad stuff out.
The shot hurt like hell.
It burned and ached and it was really horrible.
And then I accidentally saw what he was going to use to cut it open.
Y'know those medical dramas where they cut the person open in surgery and sometimes you just can't watch?
It was like that.
Then he stuffed it full of packing and I have to go to another doctor and have him change the packing and I'm not looking forward to it, because it already just aches and aches all the time under the big white bandage.
I'm no stranger to emergency room procedures. I'm one of those kids who's gone in a billion times for everything; near fatal fevers, vomiting, broken bones, a nine day migraine trip where they gave me so much morphine I thought my brain was going to float too close to the sun and pop. This was by far the most traumatic hospital trip I've ever had.

I hate bugs.

Bullet Soul

Yet we keep going to war.
What battle could possibly be more important
than a moment like this?

Eternal youth is the landscape of a lie

I met you at an end-of-summer party.
The end of a great three months, all anyone wanted to do was have a good time.

You found a home in all your scars and ammunition...
Ashes to ashes of our youth

Your name, your age, everything about you is a complete mystery to me.
You had green eyes and dark hair.
And big hands.
You could have been an honor student. Maybe you're a doctor now. You could be Superman.
I don't give a damn.
In five minutes that stretched into an eternity you made the biggest mistake of my life.
In my mind, that's who you'll always be.

She smashed her knuckles into winter
as autumn's wind fades into black

I was ruined for a while.
The thing about an event like this is that it distorts everything.
The way you look at your friends, your family, at boys,
at school, at food, at your stuffed animals and cd's.
Everything that just a few days ago was familiar suddenly seems foreign, changed.
Like someone came into your life and rearranged the things there and you come back to find it all the same, but looking completely different.
Like a burglary. Something is out of place but you can't quite put your finger on it.
But most of all, it distorts the way you see yourself.
I stopped eating. Started hurting myself. It was stupid.
Like your drunken behavior could ever be worth my life.
I started hunting down boys like it was my job, to prove that I could be powerful, too.
I didn't have relationships.
Cheating, picking fights, cruel, undeserved words; I sabotaged the threats of any healthy relationships, squashing them as soon as I felt myself falling.
I had conquests.
I had a list and I quickly ran my fingers down the page and crossed off each one.

Don't lose your faith to your lost naivete
Weather the storm and don't look back on last November
when your banners were burning down

I ran into you once. At a concert.
You didn't remember me, but how could I forget you?
We talked.

Bring us the season we will always remember
Don't let the bonfires go out

I met this boy at a New Year's Eve party. The start of an amazing new year, all anyone wanted to do was have a good time.
He respected me and made me laugh and we became friends.
Friends became more than that and he so easily could have been a name added to that list.
But he wasn't.
He made me happy, made me feel good about myself when we were together, instead of empty, like all the other boys.
He made me want to be a better person.
He made me want to be better for him,
but more importantly, he made me want to be better for me.
He still does.

This is why we're on the edge;
the fight of our life's been drawn in this undying love.

The Mysteries of Pittsburgh

I turned nineteen two days ago. Finally. Hahah, I know one day I'll wish I didn't grow up so fast, but right now I'm loving every minute.
Annie, Mike and I went to the South Side yesterday. It was pretty much fabulous.
I got a ring for my nose piercing so I have something other than studs to wear in it. And I got my tragus pierced. Which literally hurt worse than anything I've gotten done so far, tattoo or piercing. I didn't see the needle the woman used, but Mike did and he said it was wicked looking. All huge and sharp and curved. Hearing that made me glad I didn't see it. I might have backed out. I failed to realise how thick your tragus is. I actually heard it crunch as the needle went through. Gross, but totally worth it. It doesn't hurt at all now, and it looks so amazingly cool. Especially with my new nose ring. I also got a tattoo, a couple weeks back now. It says "Let It Be" on the inside of my wrist in courier font. Basically, I feel a little like a BAMF lately. I'm finally getting to do all the cool things that I've always wanted to; shopping in Pittsburgh on a whim, getting piercings and tattoos and, even better, being able to sign for them myself. I had a lot of fun. Even if there was no birthday pie left by the time we got home.

From Me To You

I temporarily forgot how very much I love The Beatles.

I got a guinea pig from Marley's little herd yesterday. She's real little and mostly white, but one side of her face is dark brown and the other is real light br0wn, and one of her legs is dark brown like she's wearing a little stocking. She's snuggly and absolutely precious.

I decided to stick with the music inspired names. So I'm a little cliche and went with Penny Lane. Whatever. It fits her perfectly. And even better, I decided to play her the song to see if she liked it. And the most adorable thing happened. Part way through the song she started this cooing/purring thing along to the music. When the song ended she stopped, and when the next song came on she started again. My guinea pig loves The Beatles. How marvelous is that?

PS. There are so many reasons I adore that picture up there. Not least of which is that Mike's newest pet name for me is Panda Bear. Which I think is weird and cute and wonderful all at once.

Upon us all a little rain must fall

Zeppelin died yesterday morning. Of a respiratory infection. I came home and found him acting really lethargic and I held him all night and fed him juice and tried to make him better, but he was too sick. It was heartbreaking and I'm not completely okay. He was only 5 months old and I know it's stupid to beat myself up, but I feel like it's my fault that he got sick. Which it isn't. But, whatever. I'm still crushed.

Foxy

This is going to be a ridiculous post.
I can't hate Megan Fox.
I want to. I want to be able to say that she's skanky and greasy and a disgusting person and I don't respect her.
But I can't.
I can't because she's ridiculous and smart and says the most absurd things I've ever heard in interviews. I actually laugh out loud when I read an interview she's done.
Oh. And she's literally the most beautiful person I've ever seen in my entire life.
These are the main reasons why I can't hate her...

“I’m horrible to live with. I don’t clean. My clothes end up wherever I take them off. I forget to flush the toilet. Friends will tell me, “Megan, you totally pinched a loaf in my toilet and didn’t flush.”

“Zac Efron is my obsession, we’re the same person. We’re not actually here, it’s like Janet and Michael Jackson. He just puts on his wig and a dress, and it’s me, and you don’t know that. It’s one of the greatest mysteries of all time.”

“Starscream is the sexiest Transformer. [Why?] ‘Cause he just is. Why is Simba sexy? He just was. Maybe it was because Jonathan Taylor Thomas was the voice. I can’t tell you. It’s something I just feel.”

“I am pretty sure I am a doppelganger for Alan Alda. I’m a tranny. I’m a man. I’m so painfully insecure. I’m on the verge of vomiting now. I am so horrified that I am here, and embarrassed. I’m scared.”

“I think people are born bisexual and then make subconscious choices based on the pressures of society. I have no question in my mind about being bisexual. But I’m also a hypocrite: I would never date a girl who is bisexual, because that means they also sleep with men, and men are so dirty that I’d never sleep with a girl who had slept with a man.”

"If someone were to tell me she's a vampire, I'd go 'Yeah, okay, totally.' How come Angelina doesn't look any different than when she did Tomb Raider? It's because she's actually a 900-year-old vampire."

"I've had plenty of awkward sex, but that first time was not awkward. I was in love with him, and it was nice."

Hahahahahah, WHAT?

a WISH/HOPE/WANT list

I wish I had a bike like this one. It's so cool.

I hope I can live in a place as beautiful as this one day.

I desperately want a pipe that is as precious and adorable as this.

I wish I was pretty enough to pull off that nose ring. And the rest of the jewelry.

I hope my future family will be as sweet and stylish as this one.

I want her dress. I think its so so so cute. Especially with those red gladiator sandals.
I'm going to try this hairstyle and I really really hope it works. Isn't it fun?

But why?

Does anyone else keep getting links to Asian porn sites posted in their comments?

I appreciate the offer, really, but that's not really my cup of tea.

Thanks anyway? I guess?

I've Become Comfortably Numb

To the two loves of my life:

I don't understand. I don't know why us being together makes them all so angry. Perhaps they're jealous. You make colors more vibrant, you make thoughts run deeper, you make sounds more meaningful, and the reflection of sun on water more hypnotizing.

I love you. Isn't that enough?

Exhalation

Fuck you all.

I've fallen in love with sunflowers and cherry blossoms