This Isn't Emo, It's The Sound of My Shattering Heart

i need

i need

i need

in need

in edd

ined

i need.

i need expression

beyond this.

there is no word

for the feelings inside me.

conflicted, churning, hurting, wanting, being,

learning, hoping, twisted, lost lost lost for words.

growing up.

i want.

i want the nonexistent phrase.

the one that will set me free.

i want to cry, but i can't.

i want you back, but

you're distracted,

over it,

moving on,

going going going going going going ogingngoignda

gone.

the lamp shines in a puddle

on the hotel carpet.

and she cries.

and he cries.

and she dies

just a little more.

always a tragedy, those two.

the lamp shines in her hair

as she collapses into a puddle

on the hotel carpet.

she shines on the hotel carpet.

a lamp.

i am a lamp?

no, i'm the lamplight

and i'm only as bright as you ask me to be.

beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.

behold one another,

discover the colour of each other's eyes,

and decide how beautiful you each will be

for today.

because tomorrow never knows.

no one ever knows.

WotD

i apologize for the lack of WotD posts lately and posts in general. i've been a bit distracted by life, as i'm sure you all understand. to make up for it, i brought you all a really good word today.....

defenestrate

meaning:

to throw out of a window.

Many Of You Already Know

there's a wailing wall at the center of the city

and i'm kneeling at the base

scanning the past exclamations

that have been left all over it.

a wall meant for the graffiti

of the heart.

nobody has ever been silent at the wall

but you.

you and i,

in the same silence again.

forgot how good that could be.

we sat at the top of the structure,

miles above the rest.

ignored their lamentations,

lost in the clouds.

then.

falling.

oh, what a fall

it was indeed from that glory.

and now i'm screaming at the wailing wall.

hoping you can hear me from way up there.

one day i'll realise that you fell too,

and that you're right beside me, screaming at a wall

when you should be screaming at me.

Don't Make Me

you said: don't make me a mistake.

i said: i'm trying.

and, fingers entwined, we returned

to a place that we'd never quite been to,

but that we always knew

we'd end up in.

On Burying My Grandmother

you can't re-member that which has been

dismembered.

you can only remember.

little caterpillar with the big orange head,

inching along the green pseudo-velvet;

has anyone been dismembered from you?

and if so,

do you even remember it?

i'll never forget that first shovel of dirt.

the rest that followed

were just a rhythm

to think to.

it will turn around.

i need more time,

just a few more months and we'll be fine.

i don't even know which one

i'm talking to anymore.

you were so much.

you are so much.

you could be so much.

if the chance was there.

which it wasn't.

isn't.

won't be.

things in threes;

always in threes.

holy number, painful number,

my number,

always been our number.

now your number.

who cares about numbers anyway?

how much?

how many?

times what?

adds up to?

evens out to about?

equals?

no matter what, it's never enough is it?

never enough time.

never enough chances.

never enough disney movies.

never enough drawings,

dreams, lyrics, roadtrips, memories, school years, coloured pencils, basements, CD's, puppets, phone conversations, lazy afternoons, songs, bus rides, games, classes, blue couches, pop tarts, hugs, anniversaries, love, peppermint patties, questions, trays, marshmallows, tea, guitar solos, concerts, e-mails, books, pens, lamps, reality, notebooks, toast, stories, dances, pillows, ink,

never enough.

i was never enough

and i'm sorry for that much.

no excuses, no qualifiers.

heavy shrug, hanging head, loving glance.

i'll never leave this world alive,

but i'll leave behind a requiem

for a fading way of thought

and a few new words in a pail by the door.

keep an eye out for it, will you?

WotD

Bombinate

meaning:

1. to buzz, hum or drone

Addressed to Every Soul

please.

Tripping On Mr Yuck Stickers

sail. sail sail sail into yourself. be free enough to figure out who you are. go sail. i'm sailing. or perhaps i'm just failing.

fall. fall fall fall to me. it can't possibly hurt worse than where you are now. so fall. i'm falling. more like calling.

try. try try try for us. don't spend your life rehashing what-if's in your head. please try. i'm trying. crying, actually.

but what's a consonant between friends?

not enough, apparently.

oops.

it was a lovely evening,

so i decided to take a calming stroll

down memory lane.

i got lost in my own

sing-song-y thoughts

and began to skip

down the path,

i danced through the twists

and turns

forgetting to do everything but remember,

remembering everything except how to forget.

i sang and thought, danced and loved

my way down the lane

and then i tripped.

You and I

down the hallway.

stares? yeah.

laughs? so what?

it's not that we don't notice,

we're just not affected.

we are the kids

who know about everything

and care about nothing, you and i

and when everyone else

is right back where they started

teaching or selling furniture

just like Glory Days,

we'll be on the stage,

or on Capitol Hill,

on top of the world.

they don't know it yet,

but we'll always be at the top.

you and i.

WotD

Abecedarian

meaning:

noun:

1. One who is learning the alphabet; hence, a beginner.

2. One engaged in teaching the alphabet.
adjective:

1. Pertaining to the letters of the alphabet.

2. Arranged alphabetically.

3. Rudimentary; elementary.

Letters To Inmates

it seems like every time i happen past, you've tied yourself to the tracks again. and every time i untie you, just to find you there the next time i walk by the railroad. i don't know your name, but i know your face so well-never quite as afraid as you should be. what would happen if one of these days i didn't come by in time? you should be scared witless. but you're not. why is that? i wonder. do you not fear an untimely demise? or are you just that confident in my ability to save you? you should never have more confidence in someone's ability to help you than they have in themselves. they might let you down. but you don't seem to worry about that. i want that fearlessness. that trust. that ability to be completely carefree, even while tied to the tracks of life. so next time i wander by the railroad and find that you've tied yourself down once more, i think i'll pull out some rope and lie down beside you. teach me the true meaning of coming to terms with life. teach me what you know, my railroad track friend.

Turn Over Your Ticket Stubs

RUN, i yell. or that's what i try to yell, anyway. what comes out is something more along the lines of RMPHFLPNTS, because there's a hand over my mouth. it strikes me that the thing that just escaped me sounds an awful lot like RUFFLEPANTS and i have an internal giggle at how much that will confuse you. wait, who does this hand belong to? oh it's you. again. because, as usual, you don't want to hear what i'm saying. you'd rather go around believing that i told you to ruffle someone's pants instead of hearing what i actually tried to tell you. and then when it all comes crashing down around you because you ruffled some pants-whatever that means- instead of running you'll come back to me either blaming me for obviously giving you the wrong advice or crying because you know you should've listened to me in the first place. you have these epiphanies from time to time. and everytime i think that maybe this will be the one where you hear me. but you don't. why even ask if you're just planning on blowing off whatever i say. don't waste my time. and get your hand off my face; i can't breathe properly.

WotD

Lambent

meaning:

1. Playing lightly on or over a surface; flickering; as, "a lambent flame; lambent shadows."

2. Softly bright or radiant; luminous; as, "a lambent light."

3. Light and brilliant; as, "a lambent style; lambent wit."

100% for you

late at night is my very favourite time to be.

there's no one around to remind me

who i'm supposed to be, so it's easier

to remember who i am

WotD

Susurrus

meaning:

1. a soft murmuring or rustling sound; whisper.

Go Ahead and Laugh, It's Funny

sometimes i'm having a really crappy day. then i look at this picture and remember, "life catches us off guard sometimes, it happens. besides, it could be worse. i don't have any giant sheep creeping up on me at the moment." and the world suddenly seems a better place to be.


... i think that's a sheep...

TImeline Driven Passport Programs Are Useless, I'm Sure

it's a low blow,

but what else could i have expected?

broken hearts (you shattered me),

guilt-tripped love (i can't even believe you would say something like that),

upended trust (you didn't, i want to say. but of course you did),

forced responsibility (because someone has to stand up).

now:

taken (gone).

taken (from here).

taken (forever).

capitulation

has been running toward me

for ages.

it's on top of me now.

it's a cold breath in my ear,

sending shivers and making me

want to cry.

i want to,

but i don't.

i can't?

i can.

maybe i don't want to after all.

kick her while she's down, boys, and

while you're at it stop your cryin',

your makeup's a-runnin'.

i swore i'd always love you

and so i shall.

WotD

Misprize

meaning:

1. To hold in contempt.

2. To undervalue.

MIcroperforation

pressure. pressure. pressure. pressure everywhere i look. everywhere i sense. inside and out. i feel so inside out. inside inside inside inside inside OUT. GET OUT. GET OUT. i want to scream at you. GET OUT OF HERE. NONE OF THIS IS YOURS. my brain is exploding from ALL. THE. PRESSURE. you treat it as yours regardless. am i angry? afraid? or just eternally thankful that you're taking over the situation. i make lists to feel in control. haven't completed a list in weeks. i can't. my control is so broken that i don't even know where to begin. you're not helping, you know. oh, by the way, GET OUT. inside out. inside out. inside out. my foot's asleep. all i do is sleep. meh. am i? am i? ami? who's amy? is she me? am i me? i am he is you are he is you are me and we are all together. are we? are we? are we? we are. GET OUT.

where's the truth? i wonder. somewhere under the sheet music, you reply, gesturing vaguely about the little room. where are we? why is everything covered in sheet music? and did i really ask that very first question out loud? i didn't think i did. huh. i start to shift through the music, searching for the truth that you've always said is there but i can never find. soon i find myself humming. i pick up a piece of paper and realise the notes printed there are the same ones coming from me. i've never heard it before, yet i know it better than my own name. what's my name? not amy. who is amy? still humming. realising all the music is this music. a huge continuation. what is this? i ask you. no reply. i turn to find you've gone. the door is locked behind you. and i'm left. left with the truth that was in front of my face the whole time. go figure.

WotD

Tintinnabulation

meaning:

1. A tinkling sound, as of a bell or bells.

WotD- there are synonyms today!

Nefarious

meaning:

1. extremely wicked or villainous; iniquitous: a nefarious plot.

—Synonyms flagitious, heinous, infamous; vile, atrocious, execrable.

If You Can't Play Nice, Play Field Hockey

I've never been a huge sports fan. The occassional Penguins or Steelers game was enough for me. And the comment "works well with others" was not an often recurring one on my report cards. But today. Today was something else entirely. Tearing down the field, calling out to team mates. Passing, dodging, sprinting, shooting. Screaming, hugging. Knowing this was it. We did it. Finally. So good I could cry. Enough to keep the smile on my face for the next hour, at least. So much adrenaline. So much better being on the recieving end of the congratulations for once. So much camaraderie. So much fun.

GO LATROBE FIELD HOCKEY. heheh.

oh, and a good game to Penn Trafford.

Learn To Fly

how do you keep your eyes on the goal when they're full of tears?

well, dear, pain is the fuel of passion,

after all.

calling me a prodigal

would be the understatement of the century.

alone or not you have to walk on ahead.

if we're all alone at least we're all alone

together.

my business is to create.

that's it.

doesn't even matter what i do

as long as i can create something.

you know what i mean,

living in my head as you do.

so create we will.

sing brightly.

draw loudly.

play boldly.

sculpt beautifully.

it's all an audio tribute

to incongruity.

incongruitous

and superfluous

intuition

brought to fruition.

la vie boheme;

you know.

Born like sisters to this world

In a town where blood ties are only blood

If you never say your name out loud to anyone

They can never ever call you by it

WotD

Scintillate

meaning

1. to emit sparks.
2. to sparkle; flash: a mind that scintillates with brilliance.
3. to twinkle, as the stars.
4. Electronics. (of a spot of light or image on a radar display) to shift rapidly around a mean position.

A Day's Worth. ...What's It Worth?

stripes clash with my hair. what doesn't clash with your hair? it's a good point. there's little that coincides peacefully with cinnaberry. but mostly stripes. especially big blue and white ones. doodling in a notebook. questioning look. resigned sigh. nod head. cook the pasta. meditate, why don't you? take a step. then another. moving forward, even when i hit rewind. you have to work. don't we all? no, we don't. we should. we definitely shouldn't. breathe in. breathe out. another day. it all dwells in the back of my head. just another day. but this one ends with a smile.

WotD

Copacetic

meaning:

1. fine; completely satisfactory; OK.

Stomache In Knots

dancing with myself. it's not so terrible at all. the difference between alone and lonely. hear it in my voice? join me? because dancing with you is just as good in a way. "I CAN DO IT ON MY OWN." the cry of a petulant child who just wants her independence. yeah, i can do it on my own. but not well. i recognize that, yet misplace my trust again anyway. put it in people and melodies only to watch them drop it. slow motion shattering of dependence and trust. probably for the better. but knowledge of a better end doesn't make the breaking and healing any less painful. my heart is pulling me in eight different directions. choose not to make your own decisions. so many choices. i wish i could make up my mind? bah! i wish i could make up my heart. make it up for me, please. surrender's so close i can hear its humbled footsteps. can you?

so lets sink another drink

cause it'll give me time to think

if i had the chance i'd ask the world to dance

and i'll be dancing with myself

well there's nothing to lose

and there's nothing to prove

i'll be dancing with myself

WotD

Kitsch

meaning:

1. Art characterized by pretentious bad taste.

Create Closure

remembering.

buildings tumbling

city lies in a nuclear winter.

tears fall by the hundreds,

hands held by the millions.

memories.

what did you mean

when you said 'love'?

why don't you ever follow through?

what are you so afraid of?

is it me?

reminiscent.

it's funny

how the past is the one thing

we should be sure of,

yet i spend most of the time

wondering what just happened.

reality?

fantasy?

fact?

fiction?

what did it mean?

to me?

to you?

will it happen again?

and what will it mean then?

repeating forever.

in a black and white world

everything's so red.

WotD

Replete

meaning:

1. fully or abundantly provided or filled
2. a : abundantly fed
b : fat, stout
3. complete

WotD

Perpetual

meaning:

1. continuing or enduring forever; everlasting.
2. lasting an indefinitely long time: perpetual snow.
3. continuing or continued without intermission or interruption; ceaseless: a perpetual stream of visitors all day.
4. blooming almost continuously throughout the season or the year.

Thank You

words are failing me again, dear. once more you've rendered me speechless. you disarm me when I least expect it. it wasn't until I met you that I knew how a person could be truly disarming. i'm not good enough for the credit you give me and you're so much better than what you let yourself believe. you look so lost, so broken, but you're so much more whole than you realise. you're so much more found than you know. if i'm a painting, then it's an abstract. just bright colours thrown onto canvas, no real definition, no meaning except in the eyes of the beholder. open for interpretation. attention catching, but ultimately undefined. but your sketch is lovely. graceful lines lifting into the notes that you play so easily, like they're your second skin. subtle, but defining shadings. no one would dare try to frame you-everyone knows you would just break out of it eventually. besides, no frame would be good enough. of course you can take up residence in my head. and i would be honoured to do the same in yours. we'll call it even, no? we fit well; nearly perfectly, i would say. it's unsettling, but some things need to end before others can begin. other things in my life have ended but this is a new beginning and i'm looking forward to it all. no looking back now; we don't need another pillar of salt. facing forward, hand in hand, life dances on. thank you for reminding me of that.

you're amoozing, il mia amica della Boemia

love, life, beauty, friendship,

Q

Insanity's Uncle

June 15, 1969:

"rain and everthing,

no good day..."

what?

Y'know,

it's days like today

that really make me miss

the Cold War.

And small pox apparently got their name

because people needed to distinguish

between them and 'great pox.'

Y'know, syphilis.

Poor small pox.

This is what I get for taking

European history.

Word

Rhapsody

meaning

1. Music. an instrumental composition irregular in form and suggestive of improvisation.
2. an ecstatic expression of feeling or enthusiasm.
3. an epic poem, or a part of such a poem, as a book of the Iliad, suitable for recitation at one time.
4. a similar piece of modern literature.
5. an unusually intense or irregular poem or piece of prose.
6. Archaic. a miscellaneous collection; jumble.

Moderate Information

crank up the music

to block out all the creaking of the bus.

the thing's gonna fall apart

one of these days

hopefully (probably) we'll all be

too sleepy

to even notice

as we all go down in flames.

it seems we're all going down in flames

everyday

but most of us are

just.

too.

tired.

to notice.

or maybe our music's so loud

that we can't hear what's going on.

take your pick.

take your risk.

How Many Cliches Can We Fit In This Thimble of a World?

curb the bubble, please

just trying to keep the gum out of the fuzz

or

more importantly,

keep the fuzz out of my gum.

yuck!

somehow we'll make it,

cause that's what we do.

yeah, that's what i thought too

but it's all just another lesson in letting go,

in change

without change,

life isn't life at all

finally figuring things out

coming to terms

17 and coming clean

for the first time

how many times must that

be all too true?

rinse and repeat.

replay?

again?

again.

I Swear

I loved You

I love You

I'll love You

even when you're gone

Word

Capricious

meaning

fickle, changeable, governed by caprice

3am

woken up by the sound of

the world ending

right outside my window.

i don't mind.

when the end of the world is this

beautiful,

who am i to complain?

Curl Up and Count Down

dress up

to fall down

don't rip your tights

or scuff your shoes

on the way.

be careful of that heart of yours

it has enough attachments

to be a swiss army knife.

a swiss army heart?

don't get too close to it, you say

you might get hurt, you warn

i don't mind

but i'm not surprised to find that you do

(i'm so surprised)

and the safety scissors

sever the heart strings

whether i want them to or not.

didn't even know they were sharp enough to do that.

but they can,

so why can't we?

cause we're not them, even if they all

think we are.

we never will be.

Word of the Day

taciturn

meaning:

habitually or temperamentally disinclined to speak.

Welcome to the Universe

am i real?

or am i just ruled by the unreal?

what makes something real?

tangiblity?

if tangibility is what makes something real then you and i are not real (at least to each other). which is silly because you currently are more real to me than my sister sitting in the next room blaring the jonas brothers. and love is not real, except perhaps when you're with the person you love, acutally loving them. and then is God real? are all those things real just because i believe in them? if something is real just because someone believes in it then that means santa is real and unicorns and dragons and scientology and garden gnomes are all real. or does believing just make a thing real to that one person? in which case everyone has their own reality and each reality is just as real as the next person's reality. my reality and your reality are equally real, even though they could be completely different. in which case you are real in the eyes of a hundred different people: you are a hundred different you's and i am a hundred different me's. if one of those people dies, their view of you (that reality of you) dies with them because no one sees you exactly like they do. a little piece of the reality that is you is gone.

more on this later, maybe.

Finale A

i believe

that you are far too perceptive

and know me much too well

i believe

that i'm far too easy to read

like a neon billboard

abandoned on the side of the road

i stand alone-out of mind, out of sight-

but when you do think of me

i'm clear as day

i believe

you can never be allowed to see my eyes

but i want to be with you

i'll keep my eyes squeezed shut

i'll stare at the sun for too long

and go blind

so that when you look in my eyes all you get is a blank stare

instead of my every thought

i'll even gouge them out

say goodbye to your favorite shade of green

the one with the orange ring flaming through the middle

and my words flashing through it a mile a minute

i believe

that you can't possibly handle

these phrases flashing across my face

and through my every inflection

i believe

that i don't know how

to stop them from

making themselves known

but

i'm beginning

to believe

that you love me anyway...

Word of the Day

As of today I'm starting a word of the day.

So day one's word is:

Quixotic

meaning:

1.idealistic to an impractical degree.

2.impulsive and often rashly unpredictable.

3.resembling or befitting Don Quixote.

Joni V.

isn't she pretty?

...

^baby picture! ^